A Real Fixer-Upper


“I’m gonna fix you up with my friend!”

Worst phrase ever.

We hear it all the time, “fix you up”, but really, what does that mean? Am I broken, doomed to remain non-functioning until I’ve met your friend, or any other person you thing is going to magically remedy my state of disrepair? I’ve made it to twenty-eight years old and still remained a contributing member of society without breaking down on the side of the road like some old-as-dirt hoopdy. How does one spell hoopdy, anyway?

Same with all the other bullshit terms. Your other half, the one that completes you, whatever other mumblings are out there. Your other half? Really? Are you telling me I’ve been an incomplete, half a person for the past twelve years? Which half? Right, left, upper, lower? *pats self down* Everything seems to be there. Maybe it’s all been a sick delusion. Or I’m half prosthetic. When I meet “the one”, I’ll be put under anesthesia and my real limbs will finally be given to me. Completing me? Am I stumbling around in the dark, trying to find my missing piece? This connotation is even worse, it almost implies that your S.O. is only a piece of you… which would indicate they were even more incomplete than you.

The fact of the matter is, if you’re someone who believes you have to be with someone to reach your full potential in life, that’s fine. But not everyone feels that way. Leave us normal people alone.

We all know the commercials and ads are all about the sex. Sex sex sex. But let’s face it ladies, they cater to us with the love angle. Let’s look at the jewelry commercials. Not only do that pigeon-hole us into diamond-chasing lunatics, but they’ve brainwashed us to believe the only way to get that jewelry is to be in love. There was an ad campaign from De Beers going on awhile ago that women can buy their own damn diamond rings (I am happy to be one of those awesome women!), but it was short-lived. I wish I could find them all. Sadly, some of the ads were a bit patronizing, but I think the idea was awesome. A lot of people cited “feminism” as the driving force behind it, but I think it’s just plain common sense. If I want something sparkly, and I can just march my ass to the store and buy it. And I’ll wear it on whatever damn finger I please!

Let’s move on to the sick twisted standards we hold our celebrities to. Any male celeb goes through an ugly public breakup and he’s a “newly single bachelor” while the females are “brokenhearted” or “lovelorn” despite their smiling faces. I’d like to preface this next by saying I don’t even like Jennifer Aniston, but I wish we would all just leave her the fuck alone. I wrote something about her a long time ago, and everything I’ve said STILL stands. The woman is single, and has a career, and she has said up and down and in as many languages as she knows that she’s pleased with her life. Why do we keep questioning her happiness? Her husband left her for another woman, of course she was going to be pissed and miserable. (Another disclaimer, I’m a big fan of the Jolie-Pitt clan, just further supporting my position on this). Furthermore, why would you expect her to start dating someone new. I repeat. Her husband. LEFT her. Not a boyfriend of five months, not some fling. Her husband. Vows. But nooo, for a year she was pestered on a daily basis trying to find out who she was seeing, when she was going to get married again. Maybe she doesn’t want to ever get married again. Would you?

She was in a February issue of People… it was about her and how she’s still single, and she is completely fine with her life. The following week, in the readers’ little editorial page (or as I like to call it, “ignorant Americans who think their opinions matter”) someone – a woman, I’d like to point out – wrote in, and said that she didn’t give a shit about Jennifer Aniston. It basically said she can’t possibly be happy, and that she only has a lucrative career, and then she said, and I quote, because it made me that angry I committed it to memory, to “write about her when she’s actually done something important with her life, like getting married or having kids.”  I actually started to write in a response, but I was barely finished with the second sentence when I realized it would never make it past the ‘censor’ (I was very creative with skewering I gave her) and gave up. Luckily, someone else – a man – shared my sentiment, and did write in, indicating that a woman having a successful solo career is every bit as important as getting hitched and knocked up. I was happy to see other people so offended by the comment, particularly a gentleman counterpart.

That all being said… I’m not a bitter old spinster. I dated during high school, never really getting into the whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing, for the simple fact that I didn’t really know my whole identity yet, so how the heck could I know what I really wanted (I’ll have a whole post about this issue on a later date, largely in reference to two former friends).  I spent almost my whole twenties simply dating around, still never getting serious, because now I was learning what I wanted, and none of the guys I was coming across were it. Even with that, I’ve certainly been hurt, and I done some hurting. Now, I’m two months into a relationship with someone that I like enough to even call my boyfriend, and I’m really loving it. And why are things going so great, you ask? Well, it’s because we were two, individual, already complete people when we met. And while we may easily compliment each other, Melissa & Mark can just as easily be Melissa, and Mark.

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About Melissa Limasse

| Real name - Yeah right | Location – The State of Being | Worth - $2,425,486 | Education – B.A. Sociology and Psychology, A.As. in Criminal Justice | Single, childless, and completely satisfied with both, Ms. Limasse doesn’t fit into the traditional “female” mold. Most people would say she’s intimidating. Anything that she says here she has most likely already said out loud View all posts by Melissa Limasse

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