With the weekend coming up, some of us may have big plans, while others are just laying low, enjoying some much needed and much looked forward to time alone. Usually we savor this time holed up in the house. But why should we be trapped inside just because we’re lone rangers? Have you ever noticed that when you see a man alone at a diner or restaurant, you assume him to be some kind of pervert or weirdo, but when you see a woman, you feel sorry for her?
Well not anymore! Ladies, we’re taking solo dining back. Here are a few tried and true options to make any casual observer respect or fear you, rather than throw pitying glances your way.
I’m not talking about the newspaper, or even a Times Best Seller (because that, for some reason, makes people want to talk to you so you’re stuck on the same page for like twenty minutes due to constant interruption, and just leave me the fuck alone I usually finish a book in two days and this one has taken me all week because every time I open it everyone just wants to approach me and talk about it and ask me how it is because they’ve been meaning to read it well sir I don’t know how it is because you and everyone around you won’t back the hell off and just let me read it!). You gotta get creative here. A tip sheet from the local betting place. Playgirl. Your car’s owner manual. Bomb Dismantling for Dummies. Furrow your brow, like you’re really trying to learn something.
Even if you’re just scribbling is a diary or making a shopping list, do it with panache. Glance around the joint, eyeball the staff, then surreptitiously write something down. Pretend to be a restaurant critic. Savor each bite of food, then make a quick note. Examine your reflection in the blade of a knife, then make a quick note. Count the ice cubes in your drink, then make a note. Whatever you do, write something afterwards. Conceal your notes anytime a member of the staff approaches. If anything, you may receive enhanced service or a discounted meal.
These alone suggest you are either hungover or really famous, the latter of which can really be driven home with the addition of a hat pulled low over your eyes. Or, slightly more fun, pretend you’re with the Secret Service. Survey the room suspiciously upon entering, put your hand up to your ear, nod, then speak into your wrist. Refuse to be seated anywhere that places your back to any area of the room. Ask your server about the location of emergency exits.
Of course, these require a certain amount of cajones, or je ne sais quoi, to really pull off. Worst case scenario, instead of looking like the pathetic chick who has to go out alone, you’re deemed every bit the creeper as the dude sitting in the corner (but take a closer look, he’s mimicking your every move, trying to look as cool). Either way, that’s still a win for women’s equality!