On the cusp of turning thirty – cusp meaning in about eight months – shut up I have four years of experience being twenty-five, damnit – I have found myself in a very weird spot.
Again, it is public fodder that I would probably end up on some kind of sex offender registry if I ever get near Kellan Lutz, after all of the imaginatively freaky things I want to do to him… just wrap my legs around his… I digress. Although just hearing his name induces an array of lusty thoughts to go racing through my head, I have also come around to the likes of more mature actors, like Clooney and Damon. Even Leo didn’t appear on my hot radar until sometime after Titanic, when he lost the baby-face and his man-face had grown in. Then there’s the always amazing Robert Downey, Jr. When the fuck did this guy get so hot? He’s almost 50! Dude aged like a fine wine, and I just want to sip on it all night.
So I had this exchange with Kim the other day, told her that as of late, I’ve been finding graying hair at the temples and a few lines on the face hotter and hotter each day. I followed that with a “help me”. I had to wonder, does this mean I’m – gasp – getting old? Have I finally come around from looking for a guy to spend the weekend banging to looking for a guy with whom to start a family? Dear Sweet Jesus, noooooo! Someone, please, hit the snooze button on my biological clock!
Then came the transition into a puma (this was far less disturbing than Natalie Portman becoming a swan, for the record. That movie made me so happy I quit dancing). One night, I was bored. I know, this is the worst way to start a story, as nothing good can happen next. I had finally watched everything on my DVR – I had movies on there from one of Showtime’s free weekends… from 2009 – had deleted the ‘record series’ settings for shows my nephew no longer watches (that child is so spoiled by me. 15% of my storage is the Backyardigans and Team Umizoomi), had finished all the coding for my fiction site, had even written a few articles and characterizations for Popmundo. The TV was already on the Disney channel, having recently recorded both Phineas & Ferb and Criminal Minds (if my DVR records are ever subpoenaed, people are going to get concerned) so it had autoswitched to Disney whilst I was working through the recorded stuff. Again, I was bored, and having nothing else to do or the motivation to bother finding another channel to watch, I just watched what was on.
It was Wizards of Waverly Place.
I’d heard of the show in the past, looked like it was simply a cutesy Harry Potter (and there are, in fact, many HP references and in-jokes, and I am also witness to a Breakfast Club reference in the form of “Can you describe the ruckus?”), and I knew that it stared Selena Gomez. However, after that episode I watched, I had several things to say.
First off, when the hell did Disney get a monopoly on (mostly) male actors who are way too hot playing characters that are years younger than their real age?
Second, do they know that they are creating a generation of pumas?
For those of you unfamiliar with the term (which should be all of you, as I’m coining it right now), The Puma is the earlier version of the Cougar. Scientifically, there is no difference between a puma, mountain lion, panther, or catamount (yeah I know, what the shit is a catamount?) but realistically, you draw up a different image in your head when you hear each word. By the way, if/when I am a full-grown cougar, I will prefer to take on the title of panther instead, as it has the connotation of being slick and seductively badass. The Puma strikes me as younger and agile, most likely due to the clothing brand of the same name. Therefore, a woman in her thirties, particularly early thirties, going after younger men, will hereby be known as a Puma™.
Yeah, that’s right. Trademarked that shit.
Anyway… Luckily for any non-ADHD-addled insomniac children everywhere, two episodes of WoWP air back-to-back at midnight, and two more air at 3am. Always a plus. I have never in my life enjoyed a show that was so clearly aimed a much younger demographic than myself as much as I like this one. And it’s not just me! Not only did I get a particularly cynical guy here at work hooked on it when I was watching it during a system outage (it’s one of the few websites that isn’t blocked), but I went to IMDb and flipped through some of the reviews, and found it’s all like-minded older folk like myself. Even the lame jokes, the ones that are glaringly dumbed down for children, hit the mark. I literally – and I mean literally by actual definition, not by teen standards of not really at all – laugh out loud. I find myself hitting my 30 second replay button on the remote multiple times during an episode just to catch a joke or funny fall over again. [Note: If I find it online I’ll put one of the funniest Justin-Alex exchanges here that I watched at least seven times in a row, one that also demonstrates what I am about to mention next].
What I love second best about the show, is the fact that there is not one ounce of shitty acting (I’ll admit to my Secret Life of the American Teenager habit here, even if it boasts the worst acting in the world) and you can’t help but love every character. My favorite aspect of this is that several characters remind you a little bit of characters/actors from other shows, and not in a crappy knock-off way, but almost in an homage-y way. Alex (Selena Gomez) is like a combination of Lorelai Gilmore and the sister from Mike & Molly. Justin (David Henrie) is the adorable spawn of Cory Matthews and Marshall from How I Met Your Mother (the coincidence – not irony – here being that David Henrie also played the son during the Bob Saget narratives on HIMYM). I adore Max (Jake Austin) because I think that’s what my nephew is going to be like as he gets older, and then Harper (Jennifer Stone) is totally Penelope Garcia from Criminal Minds before she became a hacker.
As I said, that’s what I like second best. What I like best is David Henrie.
All I can say is Wow. He’s still hot even with the cut lines at the hips, and you know how grossed out I am by those.
As is my sense of timing with the majority of the shows I watch – I didn’t start watching HIMYM until season five, I just started watching the Big Bang Theory, Gilmore Girls was season four, Supernatural was three, Criminal Minds three or four… I suck at life with this – the episode of WoWP that I watched was the third to last episode EVER. Yeah. I’m that good. I was in luck, however, as this week is the Every Wizards Ever Made marathon, so I get the chance to see them all. This is both entertaining and incredibly awful for me. Why awful, you ask? I’ll tell you:
In the earlier episodes – even though I have done the math and in those eps Henrie is 17, which IS the age of consent in New York – the character is like 15 and it makes me feel very weird about myself.
Anyway, let’s talk more about David Henrie. Why? Because I have turned into a full-on puma™ over this kid. Seven years my junior, he’s currently 22, which is just fine for me, means he can go out and drink with me (good luck though, kid, I’m German and Irish), and it seems like it would be a blast to do so: As evidenced here. However, this comes just weeks after my having decided that 26 was my new ‘you must be this old to go on this ride’ age, and days after I extended the maximum to 40 (I knoooowwww!). But I figure if I will allow some people from outside that box on the older side – Downey, Jr. is going to be 47. If he divorces his wife and knocks on my door… Well, I won’t finish that statement, but you know where I’m going with this – then I will have to allow some from the younger side to experience this too.
My work daughter and I have all of the same major celeb crushes (except she’s a Timberlake girl, for which I’ve forgiven her, where I’m Chasez all the way) and she told me she would fight me over Downey, Jr. Now, in a common sense fantasy world, it would seem more logical for me to concede Henrie to her and take Downey for myself, as she’s a mere 20 years old … but alas, I told her she could take Downey and I’ll beat her down for Henrie. What could have motivated this? Yes, that’s right, puma™ power.
Curse you, David Henrie, for being so hot in all your youngness. Holler (yes, I say the R, I’m from suburbia) at me if you ever come to Buffalo. We could have lots and lots of… fun. Yeah. That’s it. Fun.
Note 1: I recently tweeted this TO David Henrie. I’m sure I’ll turn up on Inside Edition or something.
Note 2: If you watch the video that I linked, it’s funny because in Italian, potato is a slang word for the hooha. Thank you, Italian sister in law. Also, when Lorenzo says his favorite movie is Il Padrino, and then paparazzi guy says I never heard of it then proceeds to say his favorite is the Godfather… They actually just named the same movie. Love it.