“Hey yo Boo, why do (good girls) like bad guys? / Knowin that bad guys tell mad lies?”
Not just a DMX song anymore (how I even knew it was DMX, I couldn’t tell ya), it’s a topic to be discussed at work, specifically, at length in what amounts to a chat room. Strangely enough, a topic regarding this exact question, was then posted on Jezebel the same day. It made the conversation that much funnier (our conversations are always funny, lasting the entire day and covering on average 10-25 topics).
Basically I don’t think there was any real answer given during the 10 minutes that were spent in this particular topic, though I like my attempts at the beginning (naturally). Suffice to to say we’ll never know. Except! The one that was linked in the Jezz article is one that I think makes a lot of sense, and I didn’t even think about until I read it:
It’s true that the culture socializes some young women to be attracted to disaffected, hostile, and brooding young men. Sometimes, it’s about encouraging girls to buy into the “my love can change him” trope. For women taught to believe that their most valuable asset is their own capacity to love, what better way to prove the depths of one’s devotion than to transform the bad boy into the nice guy? Just as doctors demonstrate their skill by healing the sick rather than keeping the already healthy well, so too some young women may think that their worth is better measured by taming the asshole than by sustaining a relationship with a man who is already kind, present, and emotionally aware.
This makes so much sense it’s not funny. How many movies portray this? He can be an asshole in many different ways, he’s a shitty friend, he’s a player, what have you, but our heroine swoops in and changes him. In a society where women are supposed to be the caregivers, the lovers, and everything pretty, where a single woman of a certain age is a spinster, and it’s all “What’s wrong with her, that she can’t find a husband?” and the men just stay bachelors, and no one questions what might be wrong with them, a woman’s capacity to be loved is constantly judged. If she can be loved enough to make even the complete scoundrel into a respectable man (the flipside of rum, per Elizabeth Swann), then clearly she’s a far superior woman.
Ugh… I can’t even get jerks to fall for me, just losers. I’m doomed.
For your entertainment, our conversation was as follows:
Note: names have been changed, and I was gracious enough to edit out side conversations for you.
Neal: Question for you ladies: WHY do you date men that are complete jerks and all the nice guys (AKA myself) are STILL SINGLE
Melissa: because you know what to expect with a jerk
Neal: the ones that ACTUALLY want to take care of you
Lenny: oh, Neal
Catherine: i love jerks
Melissa: you’re not worried about hurting his feelings
Jessica: lol Catherine
Jack: its aggressiveness
Neal: (not insinuating that you are currently dating jerks)
Melissa: and you know most likely how it’s going to end
Neal: ..with a divorce/breakup?
Catherine: someone has to put me in my place
Rachel: I’m a big enough jerk i cant date a jerk i like passive men…..
Neal: no theres a difference between passive men and NICE guys
Edward: ehhh not to everyone
Catherine: then i’ll take a nice guy
Melissa: you’re really just not ready to be with someone for real, but you still want to be with someone
Neal: I’m not passive I like being heard
Edward: TRUE THAT
Rachel: not passive being a man but passive with me
Edward: he can smack everyone else around, but damnit i wear the pants in this relationship?
Jack: “wheres my foot massage punk”
Neal: but i’m NICE not a jerk who looks like **** all the time and treats [women] like trash
Rachel: im a control freak so i have to be with someone who allows me to have that control
Lenny: “nice” guys give the misleading impression that they are not driven, energetic, and that they are prone to being fearful
Edward: so i cant rearrange your drawers?
Rachel: does not make him any less of a man just less of a jerk
Melissa: my ex wasn’t a jerk, he was a loser… so i guess that doesn’t count
Neal: SAME THING Lol
Catherine : nope it doesn’tt
Edward: NO ITS NOT
Neal: LOSERS are JERKS
Lenny: but they come across as bold
Jack: not all losers are jerks. i know a bunch of nice losers
Catherine: i like my men slightly controling
Melissa: well, jerk to me means someone who treats people like crap
Catherine: a loser is a loser is a loser is a loser!
Melissa: loser has nothing going for him and never makes any attempt to change it
Edward: good news is, Melissa , you wont have to fight catherine over men.
Neal: ok let me rephrase…i know NUMEROUS women who also date LOSERS
Catherine: girl good thing u moved on .. dont want to get stuck with that
Melissa: I let erik get away with a lot during our 3 year whatever it was… but because it wasn’t anything serious I really didn’t care.
Neal: when, again, there are NICE men around
Melissa: seriously, remember how giddy i was over him
Catherine: yeah lol
Melissa: Nice men are for marrying
Catherine: thats how they get u at first
Melissa: some women aren’t ready for that
Catherine: thats why u must keep your standards high so the losers don’t slip through
Catherine: what i should write a dating book
Melissa: also… the flipside is there as well… why do some really awesome guys fall for catty, crazy, bitches
Neal: noo @Melissa…wow lol
Edward: @catherine, or accept that your choice of men can be different from someone elses
Melissa: it’s true neal, it’s true
Neal: ITS NOT FAIR Lol
Catherine: same rules apply
Neal: I see these really great girls date LOSERS and JERKS
Edward: then theyre not so great…they made that choice
Edward: theres something funky in that head
Jack: a lot of it is hindsight too. you are attracted to someone for some reason. start dating and get used to the situation
Lenny: what about Neal?
Catherine: he is perfect
Melissa: neal and i would kill each other
Neal: Melissa and I are opposites lol
Edward: oh snap
Neal: on almost EVERYTHING dont’ think it would work out
Edward: dont think. just do.
Melissa: not on grammar though
Melissa: we’d have one thing at least
Lenny: opposites attract
Jack: not entirely Lenny i’ve seen some wicked opposites turn completely volatile
Neal: @lenny…that is NOT true in my case
Edward: no jack i like this theory.
Melissa: jack laughs at my sarcastic comments (i can hear you from here) so i pick him
Neal: I am an independent person..i do NOT want a super-clingy person who’s liek “where are you ? where are you? where are you? why aren’t you txting me back? its been 12 seconds! where are you?!?!”
Melissa: finding me funny is the most important aspect
Neal: GET A JOB!! STOP THAT!!
Edward: no gold diggers huh neal?
Neal: YOU KNOW I CAN’T TXT AT WORK!! STOP!!
Catherine: well that passes
Melissa: neal – yes, exactly that
Neal: those relationships lasted approx 1 week NO i’m not doing that
Melissa: i had a gentleman caller who didnt’ make it past 2 weeks because he would text me the entire time we weren’t together
Edward: but babyyyy i miss youuuuuu
Catherine: yeah yeah i’m with ur brother
Neal: I just saw you this morning ! ALL MORNING!!
Melissa: not only that, we worked together… i worked 12-8, h e worked 2-10… i got texts all morning, then we talked at work … then he called me at 10 LEAVE ME ALONE
Edward: my brothers pudgy and 20. go nuts.
Catherine: i like all of that attention
Edward: i am NOT a stalker darnit
Catherine: yeah u are
Edward: im a P.I.
Rachel: i have been with the same person on and off for the past 6 yrs since my divorce and i cant stand his A!!!!!!!! but he listens well and does not henpeck i hate henpeckers
Melissa: and that’s why he’s your main dude
Neal: but you just said you like passive men?! isn’t that the same thing
Rachel: i do i just dont like him
Neal: dump him!!
Neal: GET A NICE GUY!
Rachel: he is nice
Lenny: like Neal
Rachel: never said he was not
Neal: This is the purpose of my ENTIRE discussion
Melissa: even worse than the maybe insignificant other that can’t stop calling, is the guy you clearly said you aren’t interested in who can’t leave you alone
Lenny: someone take Neal
Neal: This isn’t a profile listing lol I’m just trying to get into y’alls minds