Time to Start Preparing: Zombie Time

So between Florida’s Rudy Eugene helping himself to another man’s face, and and New Jersey’s Wayne Carter disemboweling himself for gross projectiles, you really can’t help but jump on the impending zombie apocalypse bandwagon. In all of the grisly, gory attacks most people inflict on others, what are the odds that these would so readily resemble such a specific type of horror movie subgenre?

As Eugene gnawed heartily on Mr. Ronald Poppo’s face in Miami, he was interrupted by several witnesses. They report that he looked up at them, growled, and went back to his lunch. He continued even after being shot. Is this or is this not a scene straight out of Walking Dead? Multiple gunshots were required to make this man break from his crazed munching. Double tap, anyone?

Now, New Jersey comes as slightly less of a surprise. Anyone who ever watched five minutes of Jersey Shore and listened to Ronnie speak knew there were already zombies in the state (particularly if the only five minutes that you ever watched contained his bragging about not falling for Sammi’s test, because “I don’t like tests. That’s why I didn’t go to college. If you give me a test, I would most likely fail.”). But they were the slow-moving ramblers. Turns out, there is far worse.

Anyone who’s every accidentally cut their hand on any kitchen utensil knows that immediate recoil. It doesn’t matter what else you’re doing, you will react. Unless… maybe you’ve been affected by the zombie virus. Carter stabbed himself over fifty times in the abdomen, legs, and neck – fifty times – with a 12-inch knife. This is no pocket knife, this thing was made to cleave. The shock of pain and blood loss alone would have been enough to slow him anyone else down, and if not, then two cans of pepper spray would surely stop him.

Negative. Instead, he took an aggressive stance, taking pieces of his own flesh and intestinal tract, and flung them at officers. He was eventually subdued until SWAT moved in, and there was so much bloodletting that the team had to be decontaminated afterwards.

Methinks it is time to legitimately start getting our shit together.

So, I’ve discussed some of the plans already, such as raiding pharmacies and certain stores, but there are also some important rules. This is not the entire rulebook, of course, but just some basics that we can then build strategies around:

1. Carl stays in the fucking house
2. Don’t be a hero
3. Tread cautiously with other groups: No romantic involvements
4. Re-supply whenever the opportunity presents itself, don’t wait to get low
5. Surroundings are weapons

Those are just the highlights, the rulebook is always growing, always adapting to adjust to any new knowledge or new possibilities. For instance, I believe we should add some things like, ‘just because it doesn’t look like a zombie, doesn’t mean it’s a friend,’ or, ‘anyone who inflicts injury upon his or herself gets put down immediately.’ Hopefully, some light will be shed on these two gory incidents, and from there, we will have even more information for the guidebook.

Update: This man ate his roommates brain. Then this woman ate her newborn’s brain. Last but but least, this guy… ate his wife’s mouth.
That’s it. Start packing.


About Melissa Limasse

| Real name - Yeah right | Location – The State of Being | Worth - $2,425,486 | Education – B.A. Sociology and Psychology, A.As. in Criminal Justice | Single, childless, and completely satisfied with both, Ms. Limasse doesn’t fit into the traditional “female” mold. Most people would say she’s intimidating. Anything that she says here she has most likely already said out loud View all posts by Melissa Limasse

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