Ridiculous Inventions: Infomercials

I hate infomercials as much as the next guy. It’s no secret that I watch way to much TV, particularly at night. And these infomercial people aren’t stupid, they know what people are watching at night. Shows geared at young adults are full of commercials for checking out college online. You know the ones, with that stupid song, education connection. Market data shows single men watch a lot of comedy central at night. Therefore: all those awful chatline commercials. My favorite is the new one, We Are 18.com. Seriously? We’re at that point where we don’t even bother coming up with cutesy names? I forgot which one I saw the other night, of the chick sitting on her stairs in her underwear, with sex hair. They really amped up the imagery on that one.

I’m waiting for the day when I see the infomercial on Lifetime, with a half-naked man washing dishes and cleaning the floor, telling me he’s waiting for my call. I’m waiting for your call, jackass. Be proactive!

So… I’ve been laughing at some of these, and I just have to wonder what kind of success these products have. Does anybody REALLY have the problems that the people in these commercials have?

Does anyone really have that hard of a time finding the right lid to a container? If you do, then you need to get your shit together and stop being a sloppy mess, not go spend 20 bucks on 18 more containers. Anyone with an ounce of organizational skills already stacks their containers the way these are set up at 0:54. If your cupboards look the way they do at 0:57, you have bigger problems.

This is a product for someone who has apparently never owned any kind of baking tin. You know, something that serves more than one purpose and will therefore be used more often, instead of just taking up space.

Tortilla guy again! This one takes all of 10 seconds to make me laugh. Anyone who has made it past the age of five and has developed fine motor skills will not have the issues shown in the first 5 seconds. Who flings a pancake over the side of the pan. Why are you using such a small pan and not a griddle or skillet anyway? And who the fuck is using all that butter? I don’t use any butter on the skillet! Also, those “messy” pancakes shown at 0:05 look pretty damn amazing. Also, why call now and make 4 perfect pancakes when I can already make 8 or even 10 when I make them smaller on the skillet? One more example of putting on a band-aid. If you can’t flip a pancake, it’s because no one taught you how to cook one.

If I wanted to put on sunblock with a makeup brush, I would just use the SPF 30 makeup that already exists. Also, many major sunblock brands already come in a stick (like a glue stick) for easy face application. Thanks for the extra inconvenience.

Once again, stop being such a slob. Does anyone really have that many k-cups flying around? Get organized and think outside the box. Everything around you is multipurpose. I keep my nail polish in one of these silverware containers for drawers. Those mini Rubbermaid drawers that most people use as desk organizers? That’s on my dresser, full of makeup, with my brushes in a pen cup that attaches to the side.

This is not any cuter than a regular sweater or hoodie tied around your waist, and the second you stick anything in that pocket that has any shape other than flat, it’s no more attractive than a regular fanny pack. There is no added convenience here. Move on.

One of my biggest pet peeves are commercials dedicated to scaring people. It’s very rare that someone breaks into your house this way. Or the ADT commerical where the man kicks the door in while the woman and her daughter are standing right there in the kitchen. It doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t freaking happen that way.

Oh Trendy Top and Cami Secret. Once again, instead of fixing a problem…  Idea! Buy clothes that fit.  If I want to make sure to avoid plumber’s crack, I wear pants that fit and cover my ass. I layer every single day regardless with camis and regular tank tops. They don’t ride up, they don’t shift around, and they look much better than either one of these products. The Cami Secret? If it attaches to your bra straps and that’s it, then guess what? As you move around during the that, that little scrap that you think is “securely” placed under your shirt is going to work itself up and out. Have fun adjusting that all day long.

As someone who has dealt with a lack of power on multiple occasions, the couple fumbling around trying to make dinner just crack me up. According to this ad, Brooklyn Lantern it will stay lit for 11 years and 151 days. I’m honestly curious enough to buy this and put it in a time capsule just to test this out.

Any person who has ever purchased any one of these things is already banned from my zombie apocalypse survival group. Lack or coordination? Inability to dress? Can’t figure out how to use your surroundings to your benefit? Yeah, you’re gonna get us all killed.  Just go out and save yourself until someone creates an easy fix for your life.


About Melissa Limasse

| Real name - Yeah right | Location – The State of Being | Worth - $2,425,486 | Education – B.A. Sociology and Psychology, A.As. in Criminal Justice | Single, childless, and completely satisfied with both, Ms. Limasse doesn’t fit into the traditional “female” mold. Most people would say she’s intimidating. Anything that she says here she has most likely already said out loud View all posts by Melissa Limasse

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