Category Archives: relationships

Adventures in Online Dating: Negging


Urban dictionary defines negging as low-grade insults meant to undermine the self-confidence of a woman so she might be more vulnerable to your advances. This can be done in person or online. I believe this can go from both low-grade to pretty damn awful, and I recently heard there was even a scam happening on dating sites to neg women to the point where they end up giving out personal info.

I’d never been negged. Until today.

Okay, so I have a problem not arguing with people. That’s how the Psycho-Child drama unfolded. Luckily, I’m well-practiced at it, and I can make my point without slipping up and giving you any information I don’t want you to know.  This guy. Ha. He must have been new at it, I don’t know, but he tried the door-in-the-face technique first, and when they didn’t work, he moved on to negging. So cute. It’s too bad I’m an argumentative bitch, and if you attempt to neg me, I’ll knock you down even further.

negging

Seriously though? “Let me beat it out the frame?” That’s how you open the conversation? I have a pretty thoroughly written profile, and I indicate several times that I am NOT looking for a random hookup. Please fuck right off if this is your intention. Not. Interested.

I really can’t say much else on this, I believe the exchange speaks for itself. So, for those of you who like to tell me why I’m single, this is why. Because this is what’s out there.

Note: As of December 19, idunkmydick disabled his account.


Adventures in Online Dating: The Intro Message Hook


Yet another item that infuriates me when it comes to online dating is when assholes come up with utter bullshit in order to draw you in. Just state upfront what your goal is. I guarantee that you’ll find someone who is seeking the same. If you’re looking to settle down into a relationship, don’t bark up the tree of someone who just wants some carefree, lusty fun; and vice versa.

That being said, why go through the rigamarole of acting like you’re seriously trying to court someone if you’re just trying to get them in bed? This is a little something I’ve come to call the Intro Message Hook.

You get that message. The person sounds awesome. Someone you think you’ll click with. Their profile is sparse, but what is there is good. You find them attractive. It’s all good. They even acknowledge right up front your number one deal-breaker, and explain why it shouldn’t be one. You think to yourself, this is awesome!

Spoiler Alert: They’ve given you all the lies.

 “You seem like someone with a great head on her shoulders and I think we’d be really good together. I know I’m a little young but don’t let that fool you. I’m actually looking for something serious and I was raised to know how to treat a woman.”

Sounds great, right? He was. Until two hours later, when I responded to that message with a spontaneous invite to chill that night. His name is Joe, and anytime I say ‘Hey Joe’ to someone, I think of Empire Records, in that tone of voice Lucas uses when he says, “Heeeyy…Joe.” You know which one I mean.  So I asked if he’d ever seen it. He hadn’t, so I made a note to myself to suggest that we watch it. He was the one who first asked if I was free to hang out that night. I was.

“Would you like to have some fun together like make out and cuddle and little foreplay and then whatever happens, if not I understand.”

perv

Guess what? He did not understand.
In fact, he became immediately douchey.

My first reaction

My first reaction

He amended his message to read ‘Would you like to hang out and just see how things go?’ Really? Really? Like I can’t tell you’re basically asking the same thing with different words?  I wasn’t in the mood to get into it, so I just told him I had my niece with me and wasn’t available right away, that it would depend when my sister came to pick her up. He asked ‘why can’t you drop her off home?’ Obviously because I’m babysitting you jackass. Even if it was a lie.

He then peppered me every half hour with an update request. Did she call, are you free now, I wanna go on a romantic walk with you. Fuck that, dude. The door in the face technique does not work when it comes to dating, you creepy bastard. Not even dating, considering that you are still a complete stranger to me. The fact that I know your first name does not put us on close ground. I just left it simple, telling him I wasn’t going to be available that night.

But then came the incessant texts the next day. And the day after that. Finally I was just like, look, I’m busy, not to mention, I’m still a little turned off by that text the other night . He gave me his whole ‘I’m just being honest’ thing again, so I was straightforward and said okay fine, then that means your initial message to me was not honest. Also, I’m not interested; I already have a friend for fun.

It seemed to be a repetitive theme through everything he said, that he was just being honest. Other guys will say the same, “I’m just being honest.” Well, if you’re so into honesty, then be upfront when you first contact me. Tell me that you’re looking for a quick hookup over the weekend, so that I don’t bother to think you might be interesting. I’m not worried about you wasting your time, but don’t waste mine.


Racism, movies, the law, life, and self-reflection


So… first things first, I’ve decided not to address the Zimmerman verdict in any thorough manner. There’s a lot I can say about the trial, from a legal and common sense standpoint, but I’ll be as brief as I can. I have a lot of opinions on it, I have a lot of questions. I feel that the prosecution held back. There are a lot of key pieces of evidence that didn’t get brought up. I can accept that legally – legally – based on the way the law is written, Zimmerman is not guilty of murder. I accepted that a long time ago. I also said a long time ago that it wasn’t necessarily a race issue. Zimmerman technically had legitimate reason to call 911. There was a string of break-ins that all witnesses stated were committed by young black men. Mentioning that Martin was black on the 911 call was not racist. I don’t think that he singled him out with the intent of killing him simply because he was black.

But manslaughter? I really think that should have been there, only because I firmly believe he was the aggressor. He started some shit and ended it. Martin had the right to defend himself. Everyone talks about, ‘well why didn’t he just go home?’

Because he was being followed!

First rule of survival, someone’s following you, you don’t let them know where the hell you live! Not only that, but be wasn’t near his father’s house yet. He still had a ways to go. You can argue that Zimmerman wasn’t stalking him, but I’m sure to Martin, he was. And have you seen the picture from his grandmother’s birthday party taken less than two weeks prior? He was not this huge hulking beast that everyone makes him out to be.

Additionally, look at the way his body was found. If Zimmerman was getting slammed into the sidewalk and pulled out his gun, why was Martin’s dead body laying in the grass quite a distance away from the sidewalk? Then to back it up, there was quite some time between Zimmerman losing sight of Martin (per his 911 call) and the time that Martin actually started walking towards the ‘T’ in the sidewalk (per his conversation with his friend while he was walking), which means Martin was walking from the opposite direction Zimmerman says he was (per his walkthrough of the night).

So… as I said. He waited, he started shit. Martin defended himself first. ZImmerman’s self-defense is a fair argument, but it still doesn’t mean that he is innocent. The screams on the 911 tape? Why are you screaming for help if you know you are lethally armed? Full of shit.

But moving on. I feel that, in a way, this ties into something I read yesterday. Movies that really reflect life are some of the most amazing movies ever made, especially if you walk out of them feeling uncomfortable because the movie made you think, or question yourself and your beliefs.  I read an article yesterday that listed the top ten completely overrated movies (Titanic was #1, and I fully agree with that one). Number 8 was Crash.  Anyone that I know who has ever seen Crash, has talked about how it made them feel afterwards. The list said that the reason it was overrated was because it is “just filled with unlikeable characters being racist,” and that while “the world is full of terrible people, hard choices, and bad situations; however, it is also full of plenty of other things.” No. NO. It is filled with identifiable people, some of whom were being racist without even knowing it. That is the point.

Before I get into the whole rant, though, let me explain why it ties to Zimmerman – and frankly, any race-related thing (I’m sure your Facebook news feeds around election time showed you how some of your friends and family feel about black people). First off, non-black people are very quick to accuse black people of ‘playing the race card,’ and while I agree sometimes it comes out early, you have to understand. If you spend a lifetime actually being judged based on skin color, you’re going to see judgement everywhere. I’ve already shared the time I got pulled over in an affluent town and actually had a gun drawn on me before the cop ever even asked for ID. I was 19, dressed for the club, and I lived only five minutes away. The moment the guy saw a brown arm, he reacted. Think about the whole scene in the movie with Officer Hansen (Ryan Phillippe) and Peter (Larenz Tate) in the car. Why did Hansen react the way he did? Because Peter was a black man. How many Zimmerman supporters talked about Martin being some giant, muscle-bound street tough? Or – moreover, the “unbiased” photo of Zimmerman in a suit and some black kid (who wasn’t even Martin) throwing up ‘gang’ signs? Because as a young black man, Martin was automatically a thug.

So… to get into my critique of the critique of Crash… this submission shows that Kim Carleton (if she compiled this list completely alone) didn’t actually watch the movie. Or, considers it overrated because she saw something of herself in one of the characters and doesn’t want to face it.

The whole point of the damn movie was to show that racism is so ingrained that people sometimes behave without even being cognizant of said underlying racist motivation. That even the person who thinks they’re completely innocent of such behavior actually has some pretty intense discriminatory ideas. Once again, Officer Hansen. He requests a transfer from his partner Officer Ryan (Matt Dillon) because of his racial actions, but ultimately behaves in the exact same way with deadly consequences. In the meantime,  Officer Ryan, while he dishes out some verbal abuse to Shaniqua (Loretta Devine) and sexually assaults Christine (Thandie Newton) – though it’s unclear if the assault is a race thing or not – ends up saving Christine from a burning car without thinking twice about her skin color. Which one was actually racist?

Jean Cabot (Sandra Bullock) makes a comment about the locksmith giving keys to his Mexican gang friends, then later realizes that her Latina maid is the only person in her life she can truly depend on.  Detective Waters (Don Cheadle) who is the last person you’d expect to be racist, because he’s black, right, shows his indifference to all Latino/Hispanic cultures, implying that they’re all the same. The conversation between Anthony and Peter (Ludacris and Tate) about tipping, how the server expects them to leave a shitty tip because they’re black, and gives them less than stellar service, which leaves them deserving of a shitty tip – is really one of the most important scenes in the movie, in my opinion. SO many people are guilty of this – from both sides. I’m going to use black and white because that’s what I know. I know a lot of young black men who just assume all white people are going to treat them like ignorant thugs, and so they just act that way. They just meet expectations. Here’s my call to everyone: Expect more. Be more.

But honestly, if you saw that movie and the only thing you took away from it was, “If it is attempting to reflect real life, it went a little too far into the dark side,” then I suggest you watch it again. And again and again and again, until you get it. Until you’ve figured out which character represents you.


Adventures in Online Dating: Married Men / Work Manstress Redux


Alright everyone, hold tight for this double post. And, as always, forgive typos, rambling, and hideous grammar, as right now I am fuming beyond belief. Livid. Would be happy if someone was maimed right now. Why? I’ll tell you:

Cheating is NOT FUCKING COOL.

1. Women (and men, hell) who enter into relationships with men (and women) whom they KNOW are already IN committed relationships or married are disgusting. Ones who honestly think that things will change are pathetic.
2. Men (and women) who are married, or in otherwise committed relationships and seek out someone on the side, deceiving that person into thinking they are single, are the scum of the earth.

So here’s how my week went:

Wednesday:
I’ve been pursued by a hottie at work – and I mean hot, like, out of my league hot – and the flirting was awesome, like a mix of the coy bullshit that I usually hate and the awesome smartass sarcastic teasing that I love. We hit it off immediately upon meeting, and that whole “sparks flying” cliche – yes. I could picture us have amazing good time bed romps and then having fun time laughing cuddles after. The flirting was getting hot and heavy, and we started making tentative plans to hang out outside work. And by hang out… you know what I mean.

Well, that was a fail, because it turns out he’s married.
How did I find out?
Well, since he wears no ring and never ever mentions her, it went like this: Hottie and Limasse sitting at Limasse’s desk going over one of Hottie’s files. Flirting abounds. Co-worker A walks by, sees Hottie has returned from several months off. Small talk ensues, including. “How’s Female Name?” and “Tell her I said hi.”
Co-worker A walks away. Limasse asks, “Who is Female Name?”
Hottie says, “My wife,” and resumes previous innuendoed conversation.  At this time, I was admittedly too stunned to process everything, and did continue along this flirty conversation, albeit began dodging any attempts to make plans to hang out.
And here’s the part that made me feel shitty: It took me a day to really turn the attraction all the way off. I felt shitty because of #1 on my list above. Even while my brain was going, ‘This son-of-a-bitch is married? What a dickbag.’ My ladyparts were thinking, ‘Well maybe it’s an open marriage?’
But then he upped the douche factor, which helped: the next day I was talking about a friend of mine who sometimes forgets he has a girlfriend – not in a sneaky cheating way, but in a, ‘he’s been single for so long that it slips his mind that he has an automatic +1’ way. “Hey, I have tickets to (event), you free?” “What about Jen?” “Oh yeah, duh!” When I was talking about that, Douche Larouche says, ‘for me, it’s not so much I forget, just that I choose to ignore it.’  Then why are you married?!?!?!?!

So in order for me to abruptly shift my focus from Worky McDickface, I set up a date on OkCupid. It was one of the ‘back-burner’ type guys, someone I found interesting but wasn’t chomping at the bit to meet… Figured it could go one of two ways: I meet him and decide he’s awesome and there you go, or it could totally suck but I’d be able to bask in that by bitching about it, which would keep my mind off work guy.

Friday:
On this date with Matt, things were going okay. He wasn’t the great love of my life, but I could see a second date. At one point, I notice that the skin on his ring finger is smooth and shiny, kind of the way my middle finger is for a short period of time immediately after removing the ring I wear that is just slightly too snug. I thought it was just paranoia. Telling myself there is no effing way this is happening, that’s it just too damn weird that I would be out with a married guy while trying to avoid a married guy, I try to bring it up in subtle ways. He gave me a perfect set-up too, asking what kind of luck I’ve had with online dating, if I get freaks and weirdos. I casually mention that I’ve never had any real horror stories, that the worst is meeting guys that are actually married and just looking for a fling. There was no giveaway response, just a ‘wow, that sucks.’ I followed it with ‘It’s funny, you know, because I bet there are women out there who wouldn’t even care, or maybe it’s an open marriage… men should just be honest about it.’ He said nothing, just continued eating.  At this point I looked him square in the eye and said nothing, just raised an eyebrow. Still nothing. Finally I just asked, are you marrried, and the answer was yes. Does your wife know that you’re here. No. Thank you for dinner, I have to go. At least he had the decency to not try to talk me into staying, Just sat there in silence. I passed our server on the way out, gave her the cost of my dinner as a tip, explained that I was on a dud of a date, and told her not to let him know that I already paid for mine, that it was all hers, and left.

Saturday:
This is where we get to the icing on the motherfucking cake.
You may remember my work manstress, “Ben.” Since I last mentioned him here in 2011, things escalated, big time. In these past two years, he took a different job within the company that involved travel, often times near me but never close enough for us to really meet up,  I parted ways with the company, and our long-distance flirtship turned into something else. The easiest way to sum it up is that we had a sexting relationship Dirty convos, nude pics. Once night while I was still at work and he was at home, I texted him through his self-love session. I maintained a blog where I would write pretty awesome erotica fantasy short stories about us, some were situation-specific, like two people meeting for the first time, some had us working in the same office together, and some had no ‘plot’ to speak of, just two people banging.
Finally, this past October, he was travelling to my city. He springs it on me but he doesn’t give me any details. It was “guess who’ll be in (city name) this week?” He then didn’t reply to any emails or texts or calls for the next 2 days. Then the morning of, short text, just ‘I’m in (city name).’  I asked for info again, still nothing. Okay, in fairness, when he first told me he was coming here, I balked. I asked everyone that knew the details about us if I should meet up with him. I was concerned that it would kill the fantasy. The reason we had what we had, and the reason it was fun, was that it could never happen for real. What if hanging out in person ended up being boring? What if we did hook up and it sucked? So when he didn’t tell me where he was staying or how long he’d be here, basically, when he began ignoring me, I just figured he was thinking the same thing. I didn’t press the issue, and I didn’t contact him any more, figuring I’d let him reestablish things when he was ready.

Fast forward to last weekend, after the dud date with the married guy, and I head over to my friend’s to play Call of Duty, because now I need to shoot at people. (Played pretty well, am now Prestige 2 Level 20. Also, casually announcing that I play CoD is one of my best pick-up lines.) Around 2am I get an email. It’s from Ben. It says, “You ignoring me now?”
I say, “never”
He says, “I miss you, how have you been?”
Me: “I’ve been alright.  I’m working at (Bank name) now, in mortgage processing. Nice to be on the originating end.
Still single, except it’s more by choice right now, after this week I might stay like this forever.”
Him: “Single…that is good to hear.”
Me: “Haha, why’s that? How about you, what’s new on your end?”
Him:  “Oh no reason. 😉  It has been awhile since we talked I guess?”
Me: “Um, yeah, since the fall.”
Him: “Hey I should have been up front with you that I’m married and have a daughter. I shouldnt have been corresponding with you the way I had and I really shouldnt anymore. I would be devastated if my wife did this to me.”
Me: “Wow.  I’m not even sure what to say to that.”
No response.

And at the time, I wasn’t. My mind was reeling so fast that I honestly couldn’t believe it was real. There was no way. NO fucking way this was happening. Later, I did think of someting to say:
“Why bother contacting me today to ask how I am and tell me you missed me, to drop that bomb? Why not just continue our silence after all these months? I had resigned myself to the fact that the fun was over when you told me you were in town but then never said anything again. I could have been fine with that.”

He has still not responded. So I guess it’s good that he’s sticking to his guns of never “corresponding” with me anymore, but are you serious? If you feel bad that you were basically cheating on your wife with me, okay, well, that shit ended 6 months ago and we haven’t spoken since. Why bring it up now? Especially, why reach out to me to specifically tell me that you miss me, only to tell me that I was the goddamn other woman the whole time. And, for it to be this week when I’m already processing everything else. He’s going to take some time to get over. The other two make me angry. But this one hurts. It really does. I feel like I’ve been cheated on, and I know that’s not far, but that’s how it feels.
So, lesson learned:
You know how when it comes to birth control they say never leave it up to the guy, ro always be prepared? Well, apparently that applies to determining a relationship status. The very second I feel as though there’s one iota of flirting going on between me and a guy, I must expressly ask him if he’s married.  I can no longer trust him to be decent and do the right thing

All these being said though, I do hate to make this about just me: my deepest sympathies and in Ben’s case, apologies, go out to the women who have the misfortune to be married to these guys.  Work Dickbag was so smooth and cavalier and nonchalant, I have to wonder if this has happened before and how often. Same with the okCupid guy. And Ben… I can’t even let myself analyze it. I have no desire to have this role, but I have to think that I was the only one, otherwise it cheapens what we had even more, and he was just too good of a guy, I don’t want his wife to be married to anyone less.

Update:  Monday morning, Ben emailed me: “Hi there… how are you?”   All I said was, “Really?”


Friends Sans Kids (Childfree vs. Childless)


I’m writing from a place of pretty intense emotion, so forgive me in advance when when some things don’t make sense. I have two major points to make: The subtlety of semantics, and the relationship between people with kids and people without.

First let me hit on the word choices: People who choose not to have kids refer to themselves as childfree, however other people (usually those with kids or those who want kids) refer to those people as childless. It’s pretty interesting, when you really stop to think about it, how we choose certain words and phrases and how much power is actually behind them. Someone who uses childfree feels that their life is complete without kids, and in fact, kids might be a burden in their life. But then the person who tells them that they’re childless, is projecting their own beliefs that life is somehow incomplete without kids involved. Until #1 came along, I was childless. My best friend, however, was childfree. And she remains that way to this day.

When we were 29 (no, I am not telling you how many years ago that was), she had to fight her doctor into tying her tubes. The doctor (a woman) gave her all kinds of push-back about how she might change her mind, she’s still young, et cetera. T knew what she wanted, and her then-husband did too (their split had nothing to do with kids, for the record), and she even faced the doctor down with the fact that a tubal ligation is reversible, although she hadn’t actually looked into it because she had no intention of reversing it. The doctor kept throwing out the term childless. T actually had to change doctors and was finally able to get the procedure when she was 30. Why do so many people have a hard time accepting that some women truly do not want kids?

So, that’s that. Childfree and childless, while on the surface mean the same thing, are actually very different. Be careful how you use them.

 

Now… during all my childbearing years, T and I were always thick as thieves. I always had time for her, and she always – ALWAYS – had time for me. When I hear women with children bitching that their ‘childless’ friends have ditched them, how they never invite them to do anything, I always wonder if it’s really the other way around. You’ve all seen the pictures that go around facebook, about how ‘My idea of fun is no longer leaving the bar at 2am, dancing all night, etc, now it’s pillow forts in the living room, snuggling at 9pm with a cartoon’ or some other holier-than-thou thing. You know what? Yeah, it’s true, there were a few years where I really wasn’t able to do much of anything other unless it involved my kids, but there comes a point when all you want to do is have a night for you, and the people that you have always depended on to remind you exactly who you are.

So when T would invite me out to catch a new band, I would leave the kids with my husband and go out. I might not have been able to stay until closing time with her, but I was able to get some face time with her. When she would organize girls night out, I was there – and for those, I sometimes made it a point to stay out late. Let hubster do the heavy lifting. Now, I know there are single mothers out there, but you know what, there are babysitters. Not all of them are expensive. If you have cousins, nieces, nephews, etc, particularly if you babysat them back in the day, put them to work. Make it a point to get to know the younger people in your neighborhood. Be a little nosy and figure out who doesn’t go out a lot, because those are the kids who are going to be available when you need them. Expose your children to them so they’re not strangers.  Befriend them early, let them know your situation, they’ll be willing to sit for less than the “going rate” if they’re not total douchebags. I’ve done it for free on occasion. If your baby sitting money cuts into your night out money, big whoop. Meet at a friend’s first and pre-game, if you’re worried about being able to afford drinking money. If your friends are truly your friends, they’ll understand that you don’t want to bar-hop, that you just want to go to one bar because that’s all you can afford.

On the flip side, a third friend, R, never accepted any invitation to do anything that began after 7 pm. Not even to go to a movie. A movie? You can’t leave your child at home for two, maybe three hours max to come and sit on your ass with us in a theater?  Every time she wanted to get together, it was always with kids in mind. She’s say, hey let’s take the kids to this place on Saturday, maybe T can bring her nieces. Yes, T adores her twin nieces, but why should she have to procure some kids to be allowed to hang out? Oh, and T always felt like this was a dig at her worthiness. You are only allowed to join us if you have kids with you, you can’t come by yourself. Sort of the opposite of an adult-only party.

The thing is, maybe your childfree friends aren’t ditching you, maybe they’re just tired of always being turned down. What’s that line about insanity? Doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome? (Which isn’t the actual definition, but whatever) T stopped inviting R to anything, eventually, and then R always got pissed off that “her childless friends never ask her to do anything anymore.”

My fellow parents: Your friends without kids can only take being turned down so many times before they just stop bothering. But pay attention: They attend every single birthday party you throw for your kids. They might spoil your kids as if they were their own. They celebrate every milestone with you. They’re there when you want a night out. Your childfree friend’s idea of fun isn’t sitting around with an Elmo party hat on watching a bunch of short humans pin the tail on everything but the donkey, but she does it because YOU asked her to be there. She does it because it’s what YOU want. But you’re the one who passes the subtle message that your life is more important than hers when you can’t be bothered to take part in anything she’s interested in. Compromising and doing things like meeting for dinner or lunch are one thing, because that’s something both parties have a mutual interest in. But when you are only inviting her to things that involve your kids (and then getting upset at the times she declines) and then declining all of her invites that involve just being yourself, an adult who is still her own person and not just a mother, the relationship becomes one-sided.

So like I said, yes, there were a couple years when I did fall a bit off the grid. #1 and #2 were born way too close together and I got a bit overwhelmed. I turned down pretty much everything T asked me to do, mostly because every moment the girls weren’t in my sight, I promptly fell asleep. We did a lot of lunches with babies in tow, we did a lot of hanging around her apartment for an hour at a time (many of which I’m guilty of being half-asleep though), but we tried. It wasn’t until #2 was nearly three years old that I realized T’s invites were coming less and less. I did get angry at first, but then I thought about it, and I realized there would be no point to her asking. It’s like when you have a Tupperware party or something along those lines. You know who to invite and who not to waste your breath on.

Once the girls were old enough to be less of a drain on my mental health, I was able to re-establish a lot of the fun times that T and I had enjoyed over the years. As I said, I’d suck it up and get dressed up for the club, even if I had to call it a night less than two hours in. But that was more about being a responsible adult than anything else. I knew I’d have to be up at 7am, so I knew I had to get to bed by midnight. It didn’t matter that I had to be up at 7 because of the kids. I’d made similar decisions years back when I had to get up for work early.

Why would I begrudge her idea of fun. She gets to do whatever the hell she wants because she can. And if she wants me to be a part of it, then I’m going to do what I can to be there. I know she absolutely hates the whole gift-opening part of kids’ birthday parties, all the kids screaming about what they got and how cool it is, or some other kid yelling about how much he wants it too (at least she’s stopped conveniently getting a phone call right when it starts, for which she has to go outside) but she’s there with the giant garbage bag grabbing the wrapping paper, because she knows how much I hate cleaning that shit up.  She manages a band, whose music she knows I don’t particularly like, but I still go to their showcases and important events because I know how much it means to her.

I’m probably rambling, but I just saw a rant on facebook from a parent friend pissed at her single, childfree friend over this. This parent friend is also one of those moms who’s entire facebook page is all her kids. Honestly, it’s so much about the kids that one of them could probably take the account over as their own when they get older and no one would notice. This woman clearly has no idea how much she’s lost herself in her kids. When you become a mother, motherhood should enhance your womanhood, not replace it. You’re still an individual, with you own interests, your own desires. Your idea of fun isn’t really a Dora marathon; it’s simply seeing your child happy. But your child isn’t going to be happy if you’re not happy, and I don’t see how you can be happy if you don’t have some semblance of a life of your own.

Maybe that makes me sound like a sanctimommy, but at least this sanctimommy has friends that aren’t my kids. And my facebook page has pictures of me.


Keep Your Traditions. I’ll Keep Mine.


As a staunch member of the Straights for Gays, sometimes I still have to step back and really let it sink in that people truly, honestly, are against it. And even further, the reasoning behind it. I watched an argument between two people that went something along the lines of a hater saying that because gay people can’t reproduce – which is apparently the number one point of marriage, just proving that these people are stuck in centuries past, because I’m pretty sure I married for love. Children were just a happy byproduct – then the union is unnatural. Supporter says, clearly you haven’t heard of sperm and egg donors, surrogates, adoption. Hater says that pregnancy through donors and implantation is not natural, and therefore, again, same-sex marriages are not natural. Supporter says, what about straight couples who use donors, surrogates, and IVF? Hater had no answer. And also, what about adoption? Are the haters going to say that that’s unnatural too? Idiots.

And of course, this all brings to question something that no one can possibly overlook: If not being able to bear children is what makes the marriage unnatural and wrong, then shouldn’t we be forbidding elder couples from marrying? What about anyone who is sterile? What’s that? No? It would be wrong and unconstitutional? Well then.

In the midst of thinking  about people’s asinine thoughts on gay marriage, I want to toss this out there:

And then, because nothing sums it up better than the rant used by my friend when she shared this:
“After reading this several times and laughing the entire way through, I can’t decide what’s worse. Of course my brain seized over the grammar (what adult doesn’t know how to spell ‘lying?’ Also, ‘ect.’ Seriously?) and the inconsistent capitalization of God.
But then I took a look at the content, and realized that… if she believes it’s a sin in God’s eyes, then she most likely believes or heard of the Sodom and Gomorrah story, which would have taken place, y’know, some time prior to the 70s, give or take a few years.
Also, to bogart Wanda Sykes, if being gay is a choice, then it means being straight is a choice. Not to mention, I can’t think of a single person who would choose to be hated by so many people for no reason at all. I hate it when people go there. If they want to hide behind religion, fine, do what you want, but to say it’s a choice, ugh, idiots.”

The constant panic attacks at the worries that same-sex marriage will magically undermine the “traditional” marriage blow my mind. Every single person who thinks that way needs to go to a state where it’s already legal (come on and visit New York, I can put you up in our Manhattan apartment), and ask every straight couple how they feel about their marriage now that gay couples are married too. I guarantee none of them feel as if their marriage is somehow in peril. If you feel that yours might be, then the problem lies within your marriage, not someone else’s.

And let’s talk about traditional marriages. Since everyone wants to pick and choose from the Bible to oppose same-sex marriage, maybe they need to be reminded of some other points:

  • Marriages are to be arranged and must be in the same faith.
  • A wife should be subordinate (Ephisians 5:22)
  • A woman must prover her virginity, lest she be stoned (Deuteronomy 22:20-21)
  • If a man dies without having sired a son, his widow must marry his brother and reproduce with him until they have a son (Mark 12:18-27)
  • Concubines and polygamy were norms.

Yep. Things sound all well and dandy with those traditional family values. You can go ahead and keep those, thank you. I’m not very interested.

Although, it’s too bad Richard and I had #3 and #4, I would have finally had that excuse I needed to bang his brother. Darn.


Adventures in Online Dating: The Psycho-Child


So, let’s preface this with all the necessary backstory…

I had a friend. This friend is a male, and he’s about 5 years younger than me. This friend was there for me through some incredibly rough times over the years, which is something I never would have expected when I first met him. We were a lot closer than most people knew, and I cared about him a lot. He, his brother, and I all used to work together and I knew his parents, even though I think his mom hated me, but that was for the following reason: For the last half of our friendship, our relationship turned physical. Since he lived at home, she caught me more than once sneaking out in the morning. He was a huge part of my life, and I hoped that he always would be. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and he truly broke my heart. But that’s a different story.

He drove a motorcycle, and one evening, was in an accident. I, of course, freaked out. His brother and I were at work, and when their mom called him, he told me. So his brother left work to go to the hospital, while I had to stick around and be stressed, because the only update I had was “he’s in and out of consciousness.” His brother provided me with updates through the night.

To kill time once I got home, I checked Facebook, email, a million other things. My email included a notice about my OkCupid Quiver match list (to non-OkC people, your Quiver list contains the top matches that OkC wants to make sure you know about. I have also since then turned off the notifications because 98% of the time they are people that I would have no interest in). I usually just glance over the Quiver list and move on, but I noticed a few things this particular time: One guy’s been on my last 3 Quiver matches, might be worth checking out, and hey, guy #2 looks like someone I went to high school with. I log in to investigate. Guy #2 is indeed someone I went to high school with, the 3-time Quiver Match Champ was sent a wink, and I noticed, hey, I have a few messages. Onto the inbox I go.

Hey, there’s a message from that nice boy I said something to a month ago. It was grayed out and I never got the notification about it because he was far too young for me, but I had originally messaged him because he seemed like a nice kid, he said he’d been cheated on 20 times, I told him he needed better friends to point out the bitches to stay away from. Nothing to insinuate that I had any interest in hanging out with him, but I just wanted to say something nice.

Anyway, in the message he sent back, Young Boy told me he wanted to hang out, and I replied back. Later, we exchanged phone numbers and he called. We talked for almost an hour. Well, he talked, mostly because I was completely drained, both physically and mentally – still no news from the hospital. He was informed that I had motorcycle friend in my life. We made tentative, half-ass plans to hang out in the afternoon the next day, to hang out and watch movies.

The next day, I was awakened by a really annoying phone call at 5:30 am, asking me to come in to work. I didn’t want to, it was my day off and I really really needed it, but I always welcomed the chance for overtime. And go in I did, taking a break in the middle of the day to make the doctor’s appointment I already had scheduled. On my way there, I checked my phone, Young Boy had already called three times, at 8:30, at 9, and at 10. This was already annoying because the night before I distinctly remember telling him that I usually sleep until at least 10 on my days off. Secondly, why are you calling me three times in less than two hours? Leave a freaking message and I’ll get back to you.

When I saw my missed calls, I saw that one was also from my motorcycle friend, and he left a voicemail. I then returned the Young Boy’s phone call(s) on my way back to work. I told him our ‘plans’ would have to be postponed because I had to work, and I wouldn’t be able to just come over after work because then I was going up to the hospital. He told me that was fucked up, that we already had plans, I shouldn’t just be breaking them to hang out with someone else. I defended myself, let him now that a) our plans weren’t exactly set in stone, and b) our plans were actually broken by my having to go to work. He got smart and hung up the phone. This annoyed me, and later when I got home, I did something juvenile and changed my OkC profile to open with, “Right off the bat, I don’t like jealousy and temper tantrums” (it was a passive aggressive moment).

Later, between work and the hospital, I received an email from Young Boy, telling me he doesn’t like fakes and liars. Excuse me, but when was  fake and where did I lie? He was informed that I had this friend, and that he was in the hospital. I’ve been completely upfront from the beginning. Sorry if you’re upset that someone I’ve known for three years and is hurt in the hospital takes priority over you, someone I’ve never even met and have only spoken to once. Anyway, over the course of the “conversation,” he called me a whore, told me he thought I’m just looking for sex anyway (oh, and here I’d like to point out during our phone conversation he spent at least 30 minutes talking about how horny he was and how he was getting hard just talking to me. I said absolutely nothing sexual at all), and the real zinger, that I fucked up because I chose a fuck buddy over love.

LOVE? Dude, I don’t even KNOW you. Never even met you. Told you upfront that this was not that kind of relationship. And if you’re so childish that you can’t even just reschedule, then you’re no one I want to be friends with anyway. Plus, you were the one with all these grandiose plans of how I was gonna spend the whole day with you well into the evening. Newsflash: I can’t sit around and watch movies with your underage ass all day long. If anything, I was gonna make it through two movies and be out of your place by 6, 7 at the latest, at which point I would then follow through with my regular Tuesday plans at 7:30. So, to be exact, those are the friends I bailed on to go to the hospital. Furthermore, again, I haven’t even met you, we are not in love, we are not a couple, so you have absolutely no right to get mad. Even if we were in a relationship, you still would have no right to get mad. When one of my best friends is in the hospital, they take priority over everyone, no matter whether they’re male, female, someone I used to date, someone I slept with, or just a friend.

Anyway, Young Boy then told me I was just like all the other cunts, and I called the baggage card. Obviously he never got over being cheated on, and was not yet able to deal with the real world. He called me immature. Yes. My going into work to gave me extra hours so I can pay more bills, which prevented me from hanging out with him, and then bailing on the weekly acoustic show by one completely understanding friend to go see an injured friend shows incredible immaturity. Then he told me that I hurt him bad, and at this point, I was starting to get angry, so I told him he shouldn’t fall so hard and so fast then. If you were in love with me from talking to me on the phone for an hour, then you have obsession issues. I have absolutely no commitment to you. Just because we met on a ‘dating’ site, does not mean we are dating. If you can’t deal with the fact that I have friends, that I have a life, and again, since I have never met you, those friends and that life are currently a higher priority, then the problem lies with you.
His response (no editing):  “no its yours not mine lil whore grow up hit me back disease pool.”
I closed by saying: “Whatever. Had a fun night talking to you, so, thanks for that. You should probably wait till your anger and jealousy issues subside before you go looking for love. In my honest opinion, after this little demonstration, this is probably why you got cheated on so much.”
I then blocked his email address.

So the kid was persistent with his bullshit. I didn’t think to block his phone number, and five days later, he called and left a voicemail telling me he wanted to bone, so call him back.  Unfortunately, I can’t let stupid people get the last word, so I had to call him and inform him of how psychotic he was. He kept going back and forth with his dumb arguments, calling me a whore and every other word he could think of, and then got mad at me when I called him a bitch. He was all like, don’t you dare call me a bitch. Excuse me, you’ve called me every name in the book, I’m entitled to at least call you a bitch. I then reminded him of all the words he called me. He denied it. Then he started telling me again how he loved me. I was stunned, I just screamed You are psycho!

He then claimed to be bipolar, which I shot down, because bipolar doesn’t make your mood change every five minutes, contrary to popular belief. He kept making allusions to how he was going to kill himself in two weeks and that he was going to mention me in the suicide note, and I would get in trouble for that. I had to argue this of course, being the criminal justice major that I was, because no one gets in trouble for someone else’s suicide (this was before the current bullying laws, and I didn’t bully him anyway, so even if this did happen now, it wouldn’t mean much).

Moving on, he went from screaming at me and calling me a whore to then telling me he loves me again. He said we should just fuck, because obviously I fuck all my friends (referring to motorcycle friend). Then he kept telling me he’s sure I cheat on my boyfriends, kept telling me once a cheater always a cheater. Made no sense to me, since I’ve never cheated, but, whatever. He said, “How do I know that? I don’t know that?” Which gave me the window to be like, exactly, because you don’t know me, so stop making judgements.

Then… after I’d asked him several times if he was going to apologize, he kept saying no, then said he was going to, then said he was hoping to start over, then said he wasn’t going to apologize, then said if he does, it’s because he’s decided to give me another chance, then some other bullshit. During this ranting and his back and forth being psycho and then being lovey dovey, I told him, you know what you sound like? One of those guys who beats his wife or girlfriend and then turns around like, I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again, but then does it again the next day. To which he completely snapped, and in quite possibly the scariest voice I’ve ever heard, screams “don’t ever compare me to one of those people!” and then hung up on me. Guess I hit a nerve.

Then he called back. I was curious, so I answered but I didn’t say anything. He apologized. I said, “So you’re choosing to prove my point?” He hung up. He called back. I was on my back patio with my feet up and a lemonade in my hand, and frankly, had that ‘I could do this all day’ feeling, so I answered. He apologized again. I remained silent. He started screaming at me again, whore, slut, you fuck anything that moves, no wonder you’re single, you got dumped by all your boyfriends because you cheated on all of them with your friend. Really? I finally called him a creeper, told him that if he ever contacted me again I would have him arrested for harassment. I then hung up on him. Rejected his next phone call and quickly added it to the auto-reject list.

Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to him. Wonder if was considered the 21st girl to cheat on him. Because he clearly wasn’t really cheated on as often as he claimed. How does someone allow themselves to be cheated on so much? It’s impossible. Obviously he created all these relationships in his head, and as soon as someone did something like cancel plans or not show him affection, he saw that as cheating. His profile is now gone. I would love to know if he has a new one.

These are exactly the kind of guys I went on a dating site to avoid. But then again, you get what you pay for…


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