Category Archives: sex

Adventures in Online Dating: The Intro Message Hook

Yet another item that infuriates me when it comes to online dating is when assholes come up with utter bullshit in order to draw you in. Just state upfront what your goal is. I guarantee that you’ll find someone who is seeking the same. If you’re looking to settle down into a relationship, don’t bark up the tree of someone who just wants some carefree, lusty fun; and vice versa.

That being said, why go through the rigamarole of acting like you’re seriously trying to court someone if you’re just trying to get them in bed? This is a little something I’ve come to call the Intro Message Hook.

You get that message. The person sounds awesome. Someone you think you’ll click with. Their profile is sparse, but what is there is good. You find them attractive. It’s all good. They even acknowledge right up front your number one deal-breaker, and explain why it shouldn’t be one. You think to yourself, this is awesome!

Spoiler Alert: They’ve given you all the lies.

 “You seem like someone with a great head on her shoulders and I think we’d be really good together. I know I’m a little young but don’t let that fool you. I’m actually looking for something serious and I was raised to know how to treat a woman.”

Sounds great, right? He was. Until two hours later, when I responded to that message with a spontaneous invite to chill that night. His name is Joe, and anytime I say ‘Hey Joe’ to someone, I think of Empire Records, in that tone of voice Lucas uses when he says, “Heeeyy…Joe.” You know which one I mean.  So I asked if he’d ever seen it. He hadn’t, so I made a note to myself to suggest that we watch it. He was the one who first asked if I was free to hang out that night. I was.

“Would you like to have some fun together like make out and cuddle and little foreplay and then whatever happens, if not I understand.”


Guess what? He did not understand.
In fact, he became immediately douchey.

My first reaction

My first reaction

He amended his message to read ‘Would you like to hang out and just see how things go?’ Really? Really? Like I can’t tell you’re basically asking the same thing with different words?  I wasn’t in the mood to get into it, so I just told him I had my niece with me and wasn’t available right away, that it would depend when my sister came to pick her up. He asked ‘why can’t you drop her off home?’ Obviously because I’m babysitting you jackass. Even if it was a lie.

He then peppered me every half hour with an update request. Did she call, are you free now, I wanna go on a romantic walk with you. Fuck that, dude. The door in the face technique does not work when it comes to dating, you creepy bastard. Not even dating, considering that you are still a complete stranger to me. The fact that I know your first name does not put us on close ground. I just left it simple, telling him I wasn’t going to be available that night.

But then came the incessant texts the next day. And the day after that. Finally I was just like, look, I’m busy, not to mention, I’m still a little turned off by that text the other night . He gave me his whole ‘I’m just being honest’ thing again, so I was straightforward and said okay fine, then that means your initial message to me was not honest. Also, I’m not interested; I already have a friend for fun.

It seemed to be a repetitive theme through everything he said, that he was just being honest. Other guys will say the same, “I’m just being honest.” Well, if you’re so into honesty, then be upfront when you first contact me. Tell me that you’re looking for a quick hookup over the weekend, so that I don’t bother to think you might be interesting. I’m not worried about you wasting your time, but don’t waste mine.


Women’s Health

One Night Stands


Holding Hands? You Might as Well Be Banging

When you were ten, and you had a “boyfriend,” what was the major testament to your relationship? Holding hands, right? Well, that’s “gateway sexual activity.”

Tennessee has launched some intensive new guidelines for their sex ed classes. First rule of Tennessee sex ed: You do not talk about sex. Second rule of Tennessee sex ed: You do not talk about sex.

While I don’t see anything expressly stating that hold hands is actually part of this bill, it is being referred to as the family life instructions bill, seeking to help students understand the health, economic and societal benefits of refraining from non-marital sex, encourage students to engage in goal-setting, and to not promote “gateway” sexual activities.

The most entertaining part, is that people think these measures were truly necessary. Why? Because comprehensive sex ed promotes sexual activity. Really? The sex ed I had was about periods, and lots of information on STDs. Nothing that was said to me promoted sex or made it sound like it was anything I wanted to be a part of. Entertainingly, the author of that FAQ claims to demonstrate that abstinence centered programs are more effective than comprehensive sex ed, although all evidence supports otherwise.

States with abstinence-only programs have the highest teen pregnancy rates, even though on the whole, teen pregnancy is decreasing nationally. What does that tell you? And did I mention, these are the same findings from two years ago? Research shows that abstinence-only strategies could deter contraceptive use among teenagers, thus increasing their risk of unintended pregnancy.

The same pontificant rants about how Planned Parenthood held a sexual education class, and only mentioned abstinence once. Allegedly PP promotes all types of sexual activity to teens except intercourse. Okay, fair enough, you want all bases covered including abstinence, but here’s the thing: it’s called sexual education. As in, educating about sex. In giving all the information, teens know about contraception, where to get it, how to use it, how effective it is. This enables them to be prepared, and make smart decisions.

Hopefully they’ll think twice about going for that hand-hold.

Self-Esteem and Promiscuity

There are tons of people who agree that promiscuity in girls and woman is tied to a negative self-image, and the belief that engaging in sexual activity is a replacement for a true connection to someone that they otherwise cannot obtain. Also, that engaging in sex so often then further exacerbates the feeling of low-self worth, and leads to guilt.

Then there are the people who are like, um, hello? Girls get horny too and sex feels good. Why shouldn’t they do what they want?

I’m on the fence on this one. On one hand, I definitely agree that in girls and young women, if they’re out banging everything, it can be in an effort to be liked. Everyone knows that horny young boys only want one thing, and at a young age, girls can be subject to an intense amount of pressure. The classic “if you love me you’ll do it” or “if you don’t do it, I’ll just find someone else who will.”

But if you were a virgin until you were just shy of 21, having resisted the sexual advances of many a hormonal boy, and when you did give it up, it was to someone you truly, honestly cared for and thought you might be with forever… then decide that you enjoy the activity, does this still apply?

In the age-old case of double standards, why is it that women who have multiple partners must suffer from low-self esteem when no one makes these assumptions of men?

In case you couldn’t see through my thinly veiled paragraph above, I am that young woman, who was all about, hells nah boys, this ish is for someone special (I always knew somehow that I wouldn’t wait till marriage, despite all the pledges to the contrary that I signed during my 10+ years of Catholic education). So, after four years of building a relationship with someone, I chose to take that next step. It was pretty fantastic.

But alas, things did not last forever. I met other guys. Some were worthy of this bizz, many were not. The ones that were, were granted a membership. I’m nowhere near as slutty as I occasionally make myself out to be, and my ‘number’ isn’t even close to what someone would guess. I am also probably one of the cockiest people you’ll ever meet. I do have genuine modesty though, and that is annoying. If you tell me I look nice today, I’m quick with the “Uh, yeah, I know.” but if you’re my manager telling me that the team really looks up to me I’m moved to tears and waving my hand at you to stop. Similarly, I do enjoy attention but hate to be the center of it.  In every picture of every birthday party I ever had growing up, the scene during the birthday song is me bawling my eyes out, or holding my hands over my ears, running from the table, or otherwise hating having ever person in the room stare at me.  But for this woman… low self-esteem is not a problem.

I had someone say to me that the fact I feel the need to clarify “I’m not as slutty as a make myself out to be” is a sign of low image and guilt. I can see where that logic comes from, but I’m defensive in general because of the eleven years I spent at a job where no one had anything else to do but spread rumors. If you spoke to a member of the opposite sex for more than five minutes a day more than five days in a row, you were automatically sleeping together. That’s not to say they were always wrong about people, but the shit got really annoying really fast when you’re linked to ten different guys, only one of which has actually known you intimately.

Luckily, I’ve long since left that place, although the drama still continues from time to time. *eyeroll*

I have zero guilt for what/who I’ve done in my life. A friend of mine went full-on repentent over the two people she had been with, feeling so whorish about it that she ‘found God’ and went born-again Christian before getting married. I don’t know if her husband was a virgin when they got married, and frankly, it’s none of my business. The difference though, is that her guilt stemmed more from being so brazen as to enjoy sex simply for the sake of sex, than it did for being with two people, because the one was a long-term boyfriend (four years) and the second was just a fling. The boyfriend, she was fine with, it was the fling that seems to have sent her over the edge. So she ended up with guilt and low self-esteem over simply having sex, not even being promiscuous.

Then I have a friend who is on par with Samantha Jones, hell, all the women of S&TC put together, but the Samantha reference works in the sense that she’s a powerful businesswoman and simply doesn’t take shit from anyone.

I think it all depends on the person and the age, specifically, the age at which they become sexually active. Seriously. In high school, and even for a little while after, you’re still in the process of forming your identity, figuring out what you like. If you mix sex into that, it’s a recipe for disaster. If you’re an adult, fully capable of deciding what you want and knowing all potential risks associated with it, then what is the problem?

There’s also an overlap factor. If you have multiple partners all going on at the same time, then maybe – maybe – you’re searching for something and using sex to fill that need. I can see that.

Really though, who cares who’s sleeping with whom? When did this country revert to such Puritanical ideals that we have to analyze the driving emotion behind two people getting in on?  We’re so repressed as a nation that something as beautiful as a mother breastfeeding her child, something that’s supposed to be so bonding, is frowned up and “disgusting”, because we can’t see breasts as anything other than “big ol’ titties”. This is why everything in this never-ending birth control debate keeps coming back to ‘women just want to have sex without consequences’. If it was that easy, we’d find another way. Please take sex out of the equation. We have twitters dedicated to nip-slips. Wardrobe malfunctions are headline news for weeks at a time.

If everyone stopped thinking about sex all the time, do you know how much shit would get done in this country?

Abstinence-Only Leads to Higher Rate of Pregnancy

So I’m going to keep this one short and sweet because it doesn’t need any fluff. In the grand scheme of ‘duh’, it’s been found that the number of teenage mothers across the country has actually decreased – get this – due to the availability of birth control. Amazing!

Teenagers aren’t having any less sex, and the abortion rate is going down. Could this be? Is it really true? They can get birth control and they know how to use it properly. Wow!

This news comes on the heels of news that teen pregnancy rates actually rose in states that taught abstinence-only sex ed. I wonder what could make that happen? Hmm… telling someone something if off-limits only makes them want to do it more? Not having any real idea about what their bodies are capable of doing makes them ignorant to all the intracacies that cause pregnancy?

Common sense is wasted on so many people.

Anti-Choice = Anti-Woman

Pro-Choice Pro-Abortion

What can’t people seem to understand about this? Pro- CHOICE means supporting a woman’s right to choose, whether she chooses motherhood or abortion, or even adoption.

Choice also covers access to affordable birth control and sex education; it isn’t solely an abortion issue. In fact, there are many Pro-Choicers who are anti-abortion. People who call themselves Pro-Life fail to realize that essentially, we’re on the same side. Pro-Choice doesn’t mean we want the abortion rate to go up. We want it go down too, but in oder for that to happen, birth control access and sex education has to improve.

The very term Pro-Life exists solely to undermine the word of the Pro-Choice, based on semantics alone. What is opposite of Pro-Life? Anti-Life. And that is NOT what being Pro-Choice is about. So let’s call the Pro-Lifers what they really are, shall we? Anti-Choice.

Today I engaged in a discussion over deadbeat dads and how we need to be stricter about child support. I mostly agree. But let’s turn that and flip it on its head: Imagine that all these laws that the Republican right are fawning over come to be. We’re living in a society where birth control is nonexistent, and of course abortion is illegal. A woman – one who has no desire to be a mother – then gives birth to a child. Again, wanting nothing to do with it, she signs over all rights to the father. But now, the government comes stalking her for child support, and now she is forced to pay for something that she didn’t even want but the government forced her to have.

Not to mention, she probably already had to foot the bill for all medical expenses incurred while pregnant.

Georgia Rep. Yasmine Neal (D), has finally called men out on their bullshit. Rep. Joe Walsh recently said that the birth control debate is “not about women,” but how would he respond to females saying vasectomies are not about men?

Neal is trying to introduce legislation that would outlaw vasectomies except for the case in which a man’s health is at stake. “It is patently unfair that men can avoid unwanted fatherhood by presuming that their judgment over such matters is more valid than the judgment of the General Assembly; while women’s ability to decide is constantly up for debate throughout the United States.”

Men feel like she’s joking. Why is it funny that someone would take steps to make a vasectomy illegal, when that’s what some people want to do with basic birth control? More from our best friend Mr. Rick Santorum:

One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

What exactly are you trying to say here, Ricky? That only heathen sluts want to be on birth control so they can participate in wild slutty orgies? The dangers of contraception? License to do things? Huh? Things like what? Like enjoy intimacy with your partner while maintaining control of your reproduction?  While deciding on the size and timing of your family? Never mind the fact that 89% of Catholic women use effective (hormonal) birth control. Are you saying that they’re trying to do things in an ‘unnatural’ sexual realm?

Let’s take this a step further. Who the hell is to decide ’how things are supposed to be’ when it comes to consensual adult sexual activity? And what does that mean? Is girl on top allowed?

How can anyone in their lucid mind not see all of this as a blatantly open attack on women? I’m repeating it again, ladies, go buy the Handmaid’s Tale so that you’ll know what to expect. If you have a Kindle or even a Kindle app on your phone, I bought a Kindle copy, and I’ll be more than happy to give you my log-in so you can just download it through my archive. This was a fictional novel, gentlemen, not a damn instruction manual.

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