Tag Archives: family
To me, being a social worker in the wake of a tragedy, leads me to feel somewhat differently than many of the general population. This is true especially in the aftermath of a violent crime. While, like many, I feel for the victims and their families, their friends. However, I also can’t help but feel empathetic towards the perpetrator, their family, their friends. I can’t help but wonder, what happened? While I do believe everyone ultimately is in charge of their own destiny to a certain degree, I can’t help but wonder…what else? What else was behind this event, from the perpetrator’s perspective. Was it mental illness? Perhaps psychosis related to a mental illness, such as paranoid schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder? Perhaps, this individual suffered some type of trauma in their life that left them confused, and unable to cope? And what about their family? The undoubted hate mail, threats, shame, and guilt that follows such a tragic event, just for being related to this individual. The love and conflict that they must know feel, as this individual played an important role in their lives, but hating the actions they took, and the impact that it has or will have on them forever.
These thoughts and feelings that I have, they are not meant to sleight the many victims and their families. I feel for them also, for their loss, for their struggle, their recovery moving forward. This is not meant to be a mockery of their struggle.
I cannot imagine I am the only one that feels this way, it seems innate, as a human services professional, however, I feel very few individuals will embrace these feelings and speak of them aloud. If you agree, you are not alone, and it is ok to feel this way.
I am pregnant with my third child, however, come December I will be a mother to 4.
At the end of the month, my stepdaughter will turn 3. We found out she even existed when she wasn’t even 11 months old. We subsequently got sued for child support… We went through the process to determine paternity to find out if he was in fact the father… He is, and through it all, I’ve never minded one bit. I grew up in a big family. He tried to give me an out, to say if it was too much that I could walk away, but I couldn’t, I didn’t. I told him that I wouldn’t leave him because he had a kid, because he loved me even though I had a child when we started dating. (He’s also always said that if we ever broke up/got divorced, my son is his lol. He loves him.)
He’d had a one night stand that resulted in her getting pregnant. Not to sound bitter, but all signs point to her having gotten pregnant on purpose. He showed me the emails she’d sent him, and they had never dated, they’d only ever seen each other in person twice. The first time he was with her was the ONLY time he was with her, and you can see clearly in the emails that she was trying to keep him around as more than just a cheap fuck. (Are we censored here??) She was all “crazy stalker bitch” in the emails… so much so that I laughed hysterically at the amount she emailed him compared to how often he replied.
Anyhow, we quickly learned after being presented with the court order that men have NO rights when it comes to child support, and women, no matter how horrible, how destitute, how iq-below-ability-to-breathe they are, have all the rights. Otherwise, how can you explain the fact that she maintains custody, while living in her brothers apartment, living OFF welfare because she’s too stupid/lazy to work and once got fired from a video rental store because she was literally too dense to operate a cash register… While we, in our house, with our steady income, 2 siblings, dog and caring stay at home mother can’t even get visitation?
We eat healthy food, we are physically active, neither of us has a mental disorder or an addiction problem or a criminal record… the worst infraction we have is ONE speeding ticket between the two of us, acquired over 4 years ago and leaving his driving record in a couple months.
WE HAVEN’T EVEN MET THE CHILD.
Oh, but it wasn’t for lack of trying.
I sent her an email from an alternate account, that clearly said it was coming from us as a couple. We made a deal when all of this happened that anything that happened in regards to her and the child was strictly a “we” situation. We did everything together, we knew all the information that was exchanged, we were and are a team.
She sent back this. (Warning… not for the strong of grammar skills…)
“Y know,,, ? y wuldnt u do this b4,,,,,!!!” (Why now, why wouldn’t you do this before?)
She did NOT send that from a mobile, she sent it straight from a computer. Once I’d recovered enough from idiocy shock to reply, I sent back something to the effect of “We think that it’s about time that the children got to know each other, we’d hate for them to grow up knowing they have a sister that they’ll never know, and we’d like to know her ourselves, and have her in our lives as well.”
The next email I got was most definitely NOT her, it was too well written, and grammar wise was 1000 times better than her previous work.. (Keep in mind, I’d spied on her Facebook page. My former-newspaper-journalist skills come in handy from time to time still… So I knew she wrote in text speak as a rule.)
The email we recieved back was more or less an “I agree, I want (my husband) to meet (our other daughter) and we want to spend time with him.” It further went on to explicitly say that I, nor his and my other children, were not welcome to be around her and “their” daughter.
Ooooh… “HELL NO THE FUCK YOU DI’IN’T!!” is what I said.
To the computer. Loudly.
Jon came over to see what was going on, read the exchange a second time, and was like, “No. No… You belong there, and there’s no way either of us is being in her presence, not a fucking chance. I don’t trust her.”
Have I yet mentioned how much I LOVE my husband?? He meant every word.
We still haven’t met the child. We haven’t had contact with the mother in a few months, aside from sending her a portion of our money every month.
Oh! Did I mention that we WERE saving for a house, but that fund, plus a line of credit we had to take out, plus tens of thousands of our household money over the last couple years has gone into court battles and support?? Forgive me if I’m a little bitter about THAT, because you know, it’s totally superficial to want a paid for roof over my children’s heads and all…
In closing, I think I’m angry at Mother’s Day, because I don’t know one of my children. Yes, I consider her “my” child, evne though she was born of someone else’s union… It doesn’t feel… right to celebrate a day that’s so… incomplete for me.