Cowtown Craziness…

I live in a city that every year is turned upside down, run through a cattle chute, and shits out a bunch of western Jersey Shore Wannabes and Cappucino Cowboys…GIANT carnival, rodeos, controversial chuckwagons, (Google Bob Barker Calgary Stampede,) Deep fried everything… concerts of every variety.  This year was the 1oo year anniversary, and I was left less than impressed. In less than an hour I was very nearly in a fight with 2 different people that were of the wannabe-I’m-wearing-a-cowboy-hat-so-I’m-SO-western-even-though-I-think-an-angus-is-a-hamburger-at-McD variety…

The first was in traffic on one of the main roads through my city. I was driving, it was hail and raining, and I had to hit my brakes really suddenly to avoid hydroplaning/sliding into the car ahead of me. Douchenugget Deluxe (I consider you a douche if you have fake balls on your truck. A tiny truck no less…) pulls up beside me, and his passenger says, “Don’t stop at a merge lane, for C’s sake!!” To which I replied with ” You are a PASSENGER in an out of province vehicle! Don’t tell me how to drive in my own fucking city you fucking hippie! Go home if you don’t like how we drive here!” They drove off… I have a way with people, Can you tell??

The next incident was when I was actually on the grounds, for the all of 3o minutes I was there. Two kids, maaaaybe 20 years old tops, were walking past me, and after they passed, I heard the taller one say, “Nah man, she needs about 8 more digits before I’d fuck her.” I turned around, and, still in a mood from my previous encounter, said “*Ahem.* Excuse me, Tweedle Jack Ass and his brother Off… While I’m flattered that you think it necessary to talk about me behind my back, you are NOT the kind of people I would fuck, ever. Even more flattering is that you are talking about a married, pregnant woman whose husband (I look down, then up at their faces again) has a bigger dick than either of you even ARE.” And I walked away. I didn’t stick around to see their faces or what they had to say… but the Asian lady collecting bottles made the encounter that much better, because she walked past me and in their direction, and as she did she kept chuckling ‘Haha, small penis, small penis.”

I think I’m just stressed out at people in general, but I can’t talk about it here because it’s open to the wide world web… I think I was taking it out on losers in cowboy hats and aviators.