Category Archives: douchebags

The Zimmerman Verdict: Still Speechless


Between Limasse and myself, we’ve been struggling for awhile to come up with an appropriate response to all of this. Limasse has more legal background than I do, so she’s still furious at the prosecution’s terrible show, particularly how much evidence was not shown. I’ve seen the drafts here (I think there are 10) and they very quickly devolve into long rambling rants about incompetence.

I’m just still confused. The trial felt backwards. Martin seemed to be the one on trial, and I get it, defense was invoking that ridiculous Stand Your Ground nonsense. Defense put up their side, and prosecution poked holes all over the story. Zimmerman was clearly the initial aggressor.  This is why SYG is ridiculous. Person A is a threat to Person B, Person B ‘stands their ground’. Now Person A feels threatened and ‘stands their ground.’ Back and forth.

Robert Zimmerman, George’s sniveling, arrogant brother made the comment that Martin did not have a right to stand his ground. He said, “Trayvon had the right to go home.” Really guy? Isn’t that what he was trying to do?

I’ll leave the legalese post to Limasse, but for me, I’m just reacting emotionally. While I can admit that Zimmerman may have had a legitimate reason for the initial 911 call (there were recent break-ins by young black men), he definitely should have stayed in the damn car. What I did take issue with was the fact that he blatantly said he looked like he was up to something.

I think about my own kids. #3 always looks suspicious, mostly because he’s always daydreaming his ass off. He’ll be walking down the street, then he’ll just stop. Heaven forbid he’s talking on the phone, he just walks in a small circle like one leg is shorter than the other and he’s stuck… Given that Martin was on the phone and just strolling along minding his own (or, as Robert Z said, exercising his right to go home), he probably wasn’t in a hurry, he was just chillin’, but that made him look suspicious apparently.

It’s just too much.

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Adventures in Online Dating: Married Men / Work Manstress Redux


Alright everyone, hold tight for this double post. And, as always, forgive typos, rambling, and hideous grammar, as right now I am fuming beyond belief. Livid. Would be happy if someone was maimed right now. Why? I’ll tell you:

Cheating is NOT FUCKING COOL.

1. Women (and men, hell) who enter into relationships with men (and women) whom they KNOW are already IN committed relationships or married are disgusting. Ones who honestly think that things will change are pathetic.
2. Men (and women) who are married, or in otherwise committed relationships and seek out someone on the side, deceiving that person into thinking they are single, are the scum of the earth.

So here’s how my week went:

Wednesday:
I’ve been pursued by a hottie at work – and I mean hot, like, out of my league hot – and the flirting was awesome, like a mix of the coy bullshit that I usually hate and the awesome smartass sarcastic teasing that I love. We hit it off immediately upon meeting, and that whole “sparks flying” cliche – yes. I could picture us have amazing good time bed romps and then having fun time laughing cuddles after. The flirting was getting hot and heavy, and we started making tentative plans to hang out outside work. And by hang out… you know what I mean.

Well, that was a fail, because it turns out he’s married.
How did I find out?
Well, since he wears no ring and never ever mentions her, it went like this: Hottie and Limasse sitting at Limasse’s desk going over one of Hottie’s files. Flirting abounds. Co-worker A walks by, sees Hottie has returned from several months off. Small talk ensues, including. “How’s Female Name?” and “Tell her I said hi.”
Co-worker A walks away. Limasse asks, “Who is Female Name?”
Hottie says, “My wife,” and resumes previous innuendoed conversation.  At this time, I was admittedly too stunned to process everything, and did continue along this flirty conversation, albeit began dodging any attempts to make plans to hang out.
And here’s the part that made me feel shitty: It took me a day to really turn the attraction all the way off. I felt shitty because of #1 on my list above. Even while my brain was going, ‘This son-of-a-bitch is married? What a dickbag.’ My ladyparts were thinking, ‘Well maybe it’s an open marriage?’
But then he upped the douche factor, which helped: the next day I was talking about a friend of mine who sometimes forgets he has a girlfriend – not in a sneaky cheating way, but in a, ‘he’s been single for so long that it slips his mind that he has an automatic +1’ way. “Hey, I have tickets to (event), you free?” “What about Jen?” “Oh yeah, duh!” When I was talking about that, Douche Larouche says, ‘for me, it’s not so much I forget, just that I choose to ignore it.’  Then why are you married?!?!?!?!

So in order for me to abruptly shift my focus from Worky McDickface, I set up a date on OkCupid. It was one of the ‘back-burner’ type guys, someone I found interesting but wasn’t chomping at the bit to meet… Figured it could go one of two ways: I meet him and decide he’s awesome and there you go, or it could totally suck but I’d be able to bask in that by bitching about it, which would keep my mind off work guy.

Friday:
On this date with Matt, things were going okay. He wasn’t the great love of my life, but I could see a second date. At one point, I notice that the skin on his ring finger is smooth and shiny, kind of the way my middle finger is for a short period of time immediately after removing the ring I wear that is just slightly too snug. I thought it was just paranoia. Telling myself there is no effing way this is happening, that’s it just too damn weird that I would be out with a married guy while trying to avoid a married guy, I try to bring it up in subtle ways. He gave me a perfect set-up too, asking what kind of luck I’ve had with online dating, if I get freaks and weirdos. I casually mention that I’ve never had any real horror stories, that the worst is meeting guys that are actually married and just looking for a fling. There was no giveaway response, just a ‘wow, that sucks.’ I followed it with ‘It’s funny, you know, because I bet there are women out there who wouldn’t even care, or maybe it’s an open marriage… men should just be honest about it.’ He said nothing, just continued eating.  At this point I looked him square in the eye and said nothing, just raised an eyebrow. Still nothing. Finally I just asked, are you marrried, and the answer was yes. Does your wife know that you’re here. No. Thank you for dinner, I have to go. At least he had the decency to not try to talk me into staying, Just sat there in silence. I passed our server on the way out, gave her the cost of my dinner as a tip, explained that I was on a dud of a date, and told her not to let him know that I already paid for mine, that it was all hers, and left.

Saturday:
This is where we get to the icing on the motherfucking cake.
You may remember my work manstress, “Ben.” Since I last mentioned him here in 2011, things escalated, big time. In these past two years, he took a different job within the company that involved travel, often times near me but never close enough for us to really meet up,  I parted ways with the company, and our long-distance flirtship turned into something else. The easiest way to sum it up is that we had a sexting relationship Dirty convos, nude pics. Once night while I was still at work and he was at home, I texted him through his self-love session. I maintained a blog where I would write pretty awesome erotica fantasy short stories about us, some were situation-specific, like two people meeting for the first time, some had us working in the same office together, and some had no ‘plot’ to speak of, just two people banging.
Finally, this past October, he was travelling to my city. He springs it on me but he doesn’t give me any details. It was “guess who’ll be in (city name) this week?” He then didn’t reply to any emails or texts or calls for the next 2 days. Then the morning of, short text, just ‘I’m in (city name).’  I asked for info again, still nothing. Okay, in fairness, when he first told me he was coming here, I balked. I asked everyone that knew the details about us if I should meet up with him. I was concerned that it would kill the fantasy. The reason we had what we had, and the reason it was fun, was that it could never happen for real. What if hanging out in person ended up being boring? What if we did hook up and it sucked? So when he didn’t tell me where he was staying or how long he’d be here, basically, when he began ignoring me, I just figured he was thinking the same thing. I didn’t press the issue, and I didn’t contact him any more, figuring I’d let him reestablish things when he was ready.

Fast forward to last weekend, after the dud date with the married guy, and I head over to my friend’s to play Call of Duty, because now I need to shoot at people. (Played pretty well, am now Prestige 2 Level 20. Also, casually announcing that I play CoD is one of my best pick-up lines.) Around 2am I get an email. It’s from Ben. It says, “You ignoring me now?”
I say, “never”
He says, “I miss you, how have you been?”
Me: “I’ve been alright.  I’m working at (Bank name) now, in mortgage processing. Nice to be on the originating end.
Still single, except it’s more by choice right now, after this week I might stay like this forever.”
Him: “Single…that is good to hear.”
Me: “Haha, why’s that? How about you, what’s new on your end?”
Him:  “Oh no reason. 😉  It has been awhile since we talked I guess?”
Me: “Um, yeah, since the fall.”
Him: “Hey I should have been up front with you that I’m married and have a daughter. I shouldnt have been corresponding with you the way I had and I really shouldnt anymore. I would be devastated if my wife did this to me.”
Me: “Wow.  I’m not even sure what to say to that.”
No response.

And at the time, I wasn’t. My mind was reeling so fast that I honestly couldn’t believe it was real. There was no way. NO fucking way this was happening. Later, I did think of someting to say:
“Why bother contacting me today to ask how I am and tell me you missed me, to drop that bomb? Why not just continue our silence after all these months? I had resigned myself to the fact that the fun was over when you told me you were in town but then never said anything again. I could have been fine with that.”

He has still not responded. So I guess it’s good that he’s sticking to his guns of never “corresponding” with me anymore, but are you serious? If you feel bad that you were basically cheating on your wife with me, okay, well, that shit ended 6 months ago and we haven’t spoken since. Why bring it up now? Especially, why reach out to me to specifically tell me that you miss me, only to tell me that I was the goddamn other woman the whole time. And, for it to be this week when I’m already processing everything else. He’s going to take some time to get over. The other two make me angry. But this one hurts. It really does. I feel like I’ve been cheated on, and I know that’s not far, but that’s how it feels.
So, lesson learned:
You know how when it comes to birth control they say never leave it up to the guy, ro always be prepared? Well, apparently that applies to determining a relationship status. The very second I feel as though there’s one iota of flirting going on between me and a guy, I must expressly ask him if he’s married.  I can no longer trust him to be decent and do the right thing

All these being said though, I do hate to make this about just me: my deepest sympathies and in Ben’s case, apologies, go out to the women who have the misfortune to be married to these guys.  Work Dickbag was so smooth and cavalier and nonchalant, I have to wonder if this has happened before and how often. Same with the okCupid guy. And Ben… I can’t even let myself analyze it. I have no desire to have this role, but I have to think that I was the only one, otherwise it cheapens what we had even more, and he was just too good of a guy, I don’t want his wife to be married to anyone less.

Update:  Monday morning, Ben emailed me: “Hi there… how are you?”   All I said was, “Really?”


Sandy Hook Elementary


I finally had an article ready for today, but it seems so irrelevant right now.

May whatever deity the parents believe in watch over their children, especially in this holiday season, as well as the parents

May the incorrectly identified Ryan Lanza – who’s FB page was shared all over the internet – recover from the personal affronts, if it is indeed the incorrect one and the status updates begging to be left alone were not part of the plot.

To the teachers who acted bravely, for instance the ones who pulled student into bathrooms and locked the doors, into closets, and the teacher who herded children out and told them there was a wild animal in the building that was making all the noise, cleverly keeping them intrigued instead of afraid, making them easier to calmly control… Thank you for your quick thinking.

From all of us at Ambrosia… stay strong. There are no words for this.


Campaign Season and Election Round-Up


I’ve been neglectful, I’m so sorry. Part of it is just lack of motivation, part of it is lack of anything new to say. I mean, how many times can I really complain about the weirdos across the country who have the most asinine ideas about rape? Oh, I should take a moment to defend my stance, because all the rape theories these guys have stem from abortion in the instance of rape: I’m not saying that rape should be anyone’s go-to. God knows there are women who someone found this exponentially amazing level of courage to give birth to a child, some who kept that child and some who went the adoption route – my cousin would never have met his wife otherwise – but it still needs to be out there for women who can’t deal with that. It has to. Otherwise, in certain states the rapist can sue for custody and visitation. Are you shitting me?

But my disgust goes even further than that, in the sense that all these men are using words like “legitimate” rape. First off, yes, we all know there are woman and girls who cry rape. I know one. I hate her for it. However, rape is rape. Yes, some rapes are significantly easier to define legally and prove in court. Yes, some guys may have raped without even knowing it.

Here’s my PSA to all guys out there, especially young men still in that partying stage of life, particularly if you’re into just having a good time with a girl you might not really know that well: If she doesn’t seem at all into it, there’s a pretty good chance she’s not just a shitty lay. Take a moment to consider that she might not want any part of you inside of her, and she’s too scared or uncomfortable to speak up. Consider that she feels violated right now, and her only way to cope is to clam up and lay there in silence, hiding somewhere inside her own head.

 

So, that out of the way. Who else is stoked for FOUR MORE YEARS! I was admittedly a bit nervous when they initially began announcing poll results and Romney was up 33-3 in Electoral votes. And then we won. And I got no sleep because I was up all night waiting for my President to speak – despite the fact that he emailed me some two hours prior to tell me he was on his way to go speak.

And then this happened:

ObviousHatred

 

Particularly disturbing to me is the fact that S didn’t even know what freedoms are covered under the First Amendment. Also the conversation continued after that, but it got into personal aspects about T’s life.

I know that I was guilty of the occasional Mormom joke against Romney, but honestly, that shouldn’t even be part of the equation. This country has no official religion. People of all faiths live here. People of no set faith live here. They all vote here. They all are protected by (again) the First Amendment from having a specific religion thrust upon them. While I’m sure all leaders form their laws based on their own beliefs, but they need to take into consideration that other faiths exist. The hate-fueled posts I saw all over Facebook were just disturbing.

Like this one:

Blind Faith

I would post the entire conversation I had with this S, but it’s easier for me to just paste all my replies here in one fell swoop (I was on my phone so I replied one sentence at a time, haha). First off, Obama did not denounce us as no longer being a Christian nation, as we are not a theocracy and therefore have no official religious affiliation. Ergo, there was nothing to denounce. Second, no one cancelled the Day of Prayer (which I had never even heard of before until people accused him of cancelling it). The only thing that Obama did was not have a giant prayer service on the White House lawn like Bush used to. Not only that, but since the day of prayer is for anyone of any faith, there’s no risk of offending anyone. Third, what is this vigil? Find me evidence of it. Obama has never held this alleged vigil.

As far as ethnic bias, sure, it might be out there, and I’m betting there are thousands, if not millions, of black people who did vote for Obama in both elections simply because of that, but on the flip side, shouldn’t more women have voted for McCain and Palin? Also, how does that explain the millions of Latinos who voted for Obama? They’re not black? Or will you say that just because they’re also a minority (which they’re not, actually) they sided with the other minority? How does this count for the millions of white people who support Obama? Also… what about the other white people who voted for Romney, just because he isn’t black? The reason Obama received a large black vote ties to socioeconomics. Sadly, not many black people are affluent enough to benefit from an econmony under Romney. Period.

On that note, I’m off to dinner. Perhaps when I return, I’ll watch the finale and Reunions for BGC and begrudgingly write about them.

 


I’m Two Weeks Pregnant Today!


At least, I would be if I lived in Arizona. Because I had sex today. Because, science. It was consensual sex too, therefore, I must be extra pregnant…well on my way into the first trimester… because since I chose to have sex and wasn’t forced into it, my uterus didn’t automatically shut it down. Better start saving up for my baby shower, friends, or the funeral; that is, if I get my period because clearly there’s a high probability that I’m flushing out a dead kid at that point.

I know everyone has varying viewpoints on the topic of abortion, but seriously guys? SERIOUSLY?? What the actual fuck, Arizona. Yes, this is also directed at you too, Todd Akin and friends. Can we at least agree to stick to biological fact, instead of imaginative science? Can we please give women that level of respect?


Adventures in Online Dating: The Psycho-Child


So, let’s preface this with all the necessary backstory…

I had a friend. This friend is a male, and he’s about 5 years younger than me. This friend was there for me through some incredibly rough times over the years, which is something I never would have expected when I first met him. We were a lot closer than most people knew, and I cared about him a lot. He, his brother, and I all used to work together and I knew his parents, even though I think his mom hated me, but that was for the following reason: For the last half of our friendship, our relationship turned physical. Since he lived at home, she caught me more than once sneaking out in the morning. He was a huge part of my life, and I hoped that he always would be. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case, and he truly broke my heart. But that’s a different story.

He drove a motorcycle, and one evening, was in an accident. I, of course, freaked out. His brother and I were at work, and when their mom called him, he told me. So his brother left work to go to the hospital, while I had to stick around and be stressed, because the only update I had was “he’s in and out of consciousness.” His brother provided me with updates through the night.

To kill time once I got home, I checked Facebook, email, a million other things. My email included a notice about my OkCupid Quiver match list (to non-OkC people, your Quiver list contains the top matches that OkC wants to make sure you know about. I have also since then turned off the notifications because 98% of the time they are people that I would have no interest in). I usually just glance over the Quiver list and move on, but I noticed a few things this particular time: One guy’s been on my last 3 Quiver matches, might be worth checking out, and hey, guy #2 looks like someone I went to high school with. I log in to investigate. Guy #2 is indeed someone I went to high school with, the 3-time Quiver Match Champ was sent a wink, and I noticed, hey, I have a few messages. Onto the inbox I go.

Hey, there’s a message from that nice boy I said something to a month ago. It was grayed out and I never got the notification about it because he was far too young for me, but I had originally messaged him because he seemed like a nice kid, he said he’d been cheated on 20 times, I told him he needed better friends to point out the bitches to stay away from. Nothing to insinuate that I had any interest in hanging out with him, but I just wanted to say something nice.

Anyway, in the message he sent back, Young Boy told me he wanted to hang out, and I replied back. Later, we exchanged phone numbers and he called. We talked for almost an hour. Well, he talked, mostly because I was completely drained, both physically and mentally – still no news from the hospital. He was informed that I had motorcycle friend in my life. We made tentative, half-ass plans to hang out in the afternoon the next day, to hang out and watch movies.

The next day, I was awakened by a really annoying phone call at 5:30 am, asking me to come in to work. I didn’t want to, it was my day off and I really really needed it, but I always welcomed the chance for overtime. And go in I did, taking a break in the middle of the day to make the doctor’s appointment I already had scheduled. On my way there, I checked my phone, Young Boy had already called three times, at 8:30, at 9, and at 10. This was already annoying because the night before I distinctly remember telling him that I usually sleep until at least 10 on my days off. Secondly, why are you calling me three times in less than two hours? Leave a freaking message and I’ll get back to you.

When I saw my missed calls, I saw that one was also from my motorcycle friend, and he left a voicemail. I then returned the Young Boy’s phone call(s) on my way back to work. I told him our ‘plans’ would have to be postponed because I had to work, and I wouldn’t be able to just come over after work because then I was going up to the hospital. He told me that was fucked up, that we already had plans, I shouldn’t just be breaking them to hang out with someone else. I defended myself, let him now that a) our plans weren’t exactly set in stone, and b) our plans were actually broken by my having to go to work. He got smart and hung up the phone. This annoyed me, and later when I got home, I did something juvenile and changed my OkC profile to open with, “Right off the bat, I don’t like jealousy and temper tantrums” (it was a passive aggressive moment).

Later, between work and the hospital, I received an email from Young Boy, telling me he doesn’t like fakes and liars. Excuse me, but when was  fake and where did I lie? He was informed that I had this friend, and that he was in the hospital. I’ve been completely upfront from the beginning. Sorry if you’re upset that someone I’ve known for three years and is hurt in the hospital takes priority over you, someone I’ve never even met and have only spoken to once. Anyway, over the course of the “conversation,” he called me a whore, told me he thought I’m just looking for sex anyway (oh, and here I’d like to point out during our phone conversation he spent at least 30 minutes talking about how horny he was and how he was getting hard just talking to me. I said absolutely nothing sexual at all), and the real zinger, that I fucked up because I chose a fuck buddy over love.

LOVE? Dude, I don’t even KNOW you. Never even met you. Told you upfront that this was not that kind of relationship. And if you’re so childish that you can’t even just reschedule, then you’re no one I want to be friends with anyway. Plus, you were the one with all these grandiose plans of how I was gonna spend the whole day with you well into the evening. Newsflash: I can’t sit around and watch movies with your underage ass all day long. If anything, I was gonna make it through two movies and be out of your place by 6, 7 at the latest, at which point I would then follow through with my regular Tuesday plans at 7:30. So, to be exact, those are the friends I bailed on to go to the hospital. Furthermore, again, I haven’t even met you, we are not in love, we are not a couple, so you have absolutely no right to get mad. Even if we were in a relationship, you still would have no right to get mad. When one of my best friends is in the hospital, they take priority over everyone, no matter whether they’re male, female, someone I used to date, someone I slept with, or just a friend.

Anyway, Young Boy then told me I was just like all the other cunts, and I called the baggage card. Obviously he never got over being cheated on, and was not yet able to deal with the real world. He called me immature. Yes. My going into work to gave me extra hours so I can pay more bills, which prevented me from hanging out with him, and then bailing on the weekly acoustic show by one completely understanding friend to go see an injured friend shows incredible immaturity. Then he told me that I hurt him bad, and at this point, I was starting to get angry, so I told him he shouldn’t fall so hard and so fast then. If you were in love with me from talking to me on the phone for an hour, then you have obsession issues. I have absolutely no commitment to you. Just because we met on a ‘dating’ site, does not mean we are dating. If you can’t deal with the fact that I have friends, that I have a life, and again, since I have never met you, those friends and that life are currently a higher priority, then the problem lies with you.
His response (no editing):  “no its yours not mine lil whore grow up hit me back disease pool.”
I closed by saying: “Whatever. Had a fun night talking to you, so, thanks for that. You should probably wait till your anger and jealousy issues subside before you go looking for love. In my honest opinion, after this little demonstration, this is probably why you got cheated on so much.”
I then blocked his email address.

So the kid was persistent with his bullshit. I didn’t think to block his phone number, and five days later, he called and left a voicemail telling me he wanted to bone, so call him back.  Unfortunately, I can’t let stupid people get the last word, so I had to call him and inform him of how psychotic he was. He kept going back and forth with his dumb arguments, calling me a whore and every other word he could think of, and then got mad at me when I called him a bitch. He was all like, don’t you dare call me a bitch. Excuse me, you’ve called me every name in the book, I’m entitled to at least call you a bitch. I then reminded him of all the words he called me. He denied it. Then he started telling me again how he loved me. I was stunned, I just screamed You are psycho!

He then claimed to be bipolar, which I shot down, because bipolar doesn’t make your mood change every five minutes, contrary to popular belief. He kept making allusions to how he was going to kill himself in two weeks and that he was going to mention me in the suicide note, and I would get in trouble for that. I had to argue this of course, being the criminal justice major that I was, because no one gets in trouble for someone else’s suicide (this was before the current bullying laws, and I didn’t bully him anyway, so even if this did happen now, it wouldn’t mean much).

Moving on, he went from screaming at me and calling me a whore to then telling me he loves me again. He said we should just fuck, because obviously I fuck all my friends (referring to motorcycle friend). Then he kept telling me he’s sure I cheat on my boyfriends, kept telling me once a cheater always a cheater. Made no sense to me, since I’ve never cheated, but, whatever. He said, “How do I know that? I don’t know that?” Which gave me the window to be like, exactly, because you don’t know me, so stop making judgements.

Then… after I’d asked him several times if he was going to apologize, he kept saying no, then said he was going to, then said he was hoping to start over, then said he wasn’t going to apologize, then said if he does, it’s because he’s decided to give me another chance, then some other bullshit. During this ranting and his back and forth being psycho and then being lovey dovey, I told him, you know what you sound like? One of those guys who beats his wife or girlfriend and then turns around like, I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again, but then does it again the next day. To which he completely snapped, and in quite possibly the scariest voice I’ve ever heard, screams “don’t ever compare me to one of those people!” and then hung up on me. Guess I hit a nerve.

Then he called back. I was curious, so I answered but I didn’t say anything. He apologized. I said, “So you’re choosing to prove my point?” He hung up. He called back. I was on my back patio with my feet up and a lemonade in my hand, and frankly, had that ‘I could do this all day’ feeling, so I answered. He apologized again. I remained silent. He started screaming at me again, whore, slut, you fuck anything that moves, no wonder you’re single, you got dumped by all your boyfriends because you cheated on all of them with your friend. Really? I finally called him a creeper, told him that if he ever contacted me again I would have him arrested for harassment. I then hung up on him. Rejected his next phone call and quickly added it to the auto-reject list.

Sometimes I wonder whatever happened to him. Wonder if was considered the 21st girl to cheat on him. Because he clearly wasn’t really cheated on as often as he claimed. How does someone allow themselves to be cheated on so much? It’s impossible. Obviously he created all these relationships in his head, and as soon as someone did something like cancel plans or not show him affection, he saw that as cheating. His profile is now gone. I would love to know if he has a new one.

These are exactly the kind of guys I went on a dating site to avoid. But then again, you get what you pay for…


Adventures in Online Dating: The Rant


I’ve spent what amounts to all of my adult life being single. I have guys that I ‘hang out with,’ and in the last decade, only one that I referred to as my boyfriend (you may remember reading about him last summer). I’m accused of being too picky, and if I would just “be open to different types of guys,” then I would meet someone. First off, let’s get one thing straight. I don’t even have a type. Oh, I have preferences (made blatantly obvious by my celeb crushes), sure, who doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean I refuse to date someone who doesn’t fit that preference. In fact, if you look at any of the guys I’ve “dated” or gotten into anything resembling a relationship with, only one of them actually matches any of those preferences.  It’s no secret that I like dark hair and dark eyes with a healthy pallor, yet I spent two years dicking around with a pale, blue-eyed, clear-eyelashed ginger. Come on now. As far as being picky, the fact is, that I know what I like, and while I may not know exactly what I want, I have a pretty clear picture of what I do, and if a guy doesn’t make the cut, then he doesn’t make the damn cut. Period. I’m sorry, but I am not going to settle. Why would I pick “eh, he’ll do” when I deserve “that one?”  Think of how many people audition for movies, and how many callbacks are given to the top contenders before they decide who gets the role. Just for a movie. A movie! Worst case scenario if it isn’t the right person for the role; the movie sells like shit. Big whoop. try. As the producer and director of my own life, if I pick the wrong guy to play the leading man, it ends with heartbreak and divorce (I hope none of you thought I’m the woman who would just stay in a unhappy marriage).

I will admit that anyone with musical talent tends to get a longer look than somone without (if the man picks up a guitar, I’m pretty much putty in his hands, unless he’s all emo or some John Mayer type) but some dealbreakers exist. For instance, I’m not sure how well I’d get along with someone who isn’t into sports, at least football. Many reasons exist for this, one being simply that it’s the one gender stereotpye I succumb to. I want my man to like sports. Two, I have season tickets for our football team. I’m not going to be a season ticket holder while you sit home and knit. Again, gender stereotype, sure, but I’m not a girly-girl and therefore I need a man that’s manlier than I am. If he’s into other sports, that’s even better. We can play and watch soccer together, and if he’s busy with other sports, great, because that gives me my time to do whatever else I want.

So… having exhausted my general dating pool, I took to OkCupid. Why OkC? Well, I am far too cheap to actually pay for any of the other sites like Match or eHarmony. Not to mention, I think eHarmony is full of shit. I did partake in one of their free weekends, and there’s a major flaw in their “matching profile.” First, they mostly match you with someone who is exactly like you. I mean a male copy of you (or whatever you’re searching for). Here’s the thing. I know there are tons of you out there with a best friend who is damn near your clone, and you probably tell each other constantly, “If I could just find the male/female you, then I could date them.” It doesn’t work. My bestie is the male me, and I’m pretty sure I would kill him if we ever dated. Not only does this matching set up this horrible clone thing, but it also goes the extra step to match your interests down to the last detail. Hello, boring relationship, party of two. I am of the not-at-all-humble opinion that there need to be at least a few differing interests, if only to give you something to talk about, or to give you something of your own. I can’t imagine life with a significant other being into every last thing that I’m into. I follow a lot of local bands, and while I’m certainly not adverse to bringing a significant other to see them play (or even insignificant other), but that doesn’t mean I want him there every time I go. That’s my time. That’s my friend time.

I’m rambling. So I set up shop at OkCupid, because it’s free. As the old adage goes, however, You get what you pay for.

My profile very clearly states a specific age range that I would like communication from. However, this seems to make me a magnet to boys who just took their first legal drink and men who are experiencing mid-life crises. *sigh* All it does is show me that they didn’t even bother to read my profile. Similar to people who ask me basic questions that I very clearly answer in my profile. Part of the reason the profile is so full of information is because I’m incapable of condensing, and the other part is to give any potential suitors enough fodder to strike up an engaging conversation with me. This is the reason I hate coming across guys’ profiles that have no information. When their entire profile consists of three ab shots and the basic form answers, sorry, they’re not doing anything to draw me in. The whole point of the online dating site is to cut through the general questions that you’d otherwise have to wade through if you just walk up to someone in a bar, or supermarket, or anywhere else. If I still have to take the time to ask you a million questions to get even the slightest idea of who you are, then you’re completely defeating the purpose.

Side note: I have decided on a new business venture. Bathroom mirror ab shots. All the guys have them, especially the ones who plaster them up on their online dating profiles, but most of them are of shitty quality. So… Why not take the shots myself, even allowing them to hold a prop camera or phone, add some lens flare later in photoshop, touch up any flaws, give them that airbrushed look… all for an affordable price? And fair’s fair, I’ll include underwear and duckface shots for the ladies.

The winner of the ab shot today is this guy (obviously, he’s on the site for short-term dating, casual sex):

I’m currently staring at a bunch of photos on another guy’s page that are all mirror shots. Three of them are obvious bathroom ones, including one in a wife-beater and one with no shirt – made even better with his hand behind his head, elbow up, like he thinks hes a pin-up girl – but strangely it looks like a different bathroom in each shot, and then one that I think is actually a public bathroom. The others actually look like they’re reflected off a picture. Why makes these particularly problematic is the fact that they are all taken at a rough 15° angle, and that in all four of them, we never get to see his face. I mean, we do see it, but we don’t see it. What we do see, is his sideways face turned partially to the side, focusing on the cell phone screen as he takes his self-portrait.

But at least I can see more of his face than this one (the fact that the first pic was from instragram was also a huge no-no):

Now, on one hand, I can understand that some people may find a certain level of shame being on a dating site, so maybe they don’t want to go ask a friend to take a picture of them for it. Okay, fair enough. But if you live your life in such a way that there are no current photos of you in existence anywhere, then you’re probably not someone that anyone should be dating.

Even worse than this are a bunch of group photos. Yes, the main photo makes you highlight your face and then zooms in on it, but now it’s grainy, and three of your friends all look like you. Which one are you? Can you caption this photo? Then there are what I call the ‘interest shots.’ This one guy’s profile looked really great. I liked a lot of the things he was into, and of the things I wasn’t into, none of them were dealbreakers, so I said, okay, let’s see what he looks like. Main photo wasn’t hard on the eyes, so I decided to look at the rest. There he is in a skiing outfit, all I can see are his eyes. There he is in the distance on a jet-ski. There he is in full hiking gear, a considerable distance from whoever took the picture. And then the obligatory team volleyball pic. Sir, you’ve already told me that you’re into all these things, you do not need to show me as well. I’m looking at your pictures to get an idea of what you look like. We can all talk about how looks don’t matter, which is true to an extent, but they are subjective. If I don’t find you the least bit attractive, there’s going to be a lot of spark missing. You’re better off with someone who does find you attractive.

Then there are the child photos. It’s one thing if it’s a picture of your own kid(s). It’s similar if it’s your niece or nephew, or even your kid sister, the change of life baby. But it’s another thing altogether when it’s your neighbor or friend’s kid. It’s wonderful that you’re all close, that your friends’ kids call you Uncle Whatever – it really is – but when you’re showing a picture of yourself with any children that you are not directly related to, it tells me one thing. Well, possibly two. It tells me that you do not have boundaries. That you think it’s okay to post photos of other people’s children online. If I had a child, I would balk even harder at your profile, because I would think to myself, what if I dated this man, and we broke up? Would this picture be replaced with one of him and my kid? Not cool.

I also have yet to understand the people that are on here solely for hook-ups. I don’t have any data on it, but I’m sure that 98% of women who go to dating sites are looking for the exact opposite. Are you really that pathetic, that much of a walking turn-off that you can’t pick women up in any normal location for a random hook-up to occur? That’s sad. You should probably stick to LiveLinks, or any of the other ‘dating’ services that are advertised in the middle of the night, with the commercials full of women who will never need to resort to the actual service to find a hook up or a date, and whom none of the guys who will actually succumb to using the service will ever meet.

Okay, I’m exhausted of this subject for the night.
Next time, my first ever foray into meeting someone from this site.


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