Adventures in Online Dating: Married Men / Work Manstress Redux

Alright everyone, hold tight for this double post. And, as always, forgive typos, rambling, and hideous grammar, as right now I am fuming beyond belief. Livid. Would be happy if someone was maimed right now. Why? I’ll tell you:

Cheating is NOT FUCKING COOL.

1. Women (and men, hell) who enter into relationships with men (and women) whom they KNOW are already IN committed relationships or married are disgusting. Ones who honestly think that things will change are pathetic.
2. Men (and women) who are married, or in otherwise committed relationships and seek out someone on the side, deceiving that person into thinking they are single, are the scum of the earth.

So here’s how my week went:

Wednesday:
I’ve been pursued by a hottie at work – and I mean hot, like, out of my league hot – and the flirting was awesome, like a mix of the coy bullshit that I usually hate and the awesome smartass sarcastic teasing that I love. We hit it off immediately upon meeting, and that whole “sparks flying” cliche – yes. I could picture us have amazing good time bed romps and then having fun time laughing cuddles after. The flirting was getting hot and heavy, and we started making tentative plans to hang out outside work. And by hang out… you know what I mean.

Well, that was a fail, because it turns out he’s married.
How did I find out?
Well, since he wears no ring and never ever mentions her, it went like this: Hottie and Limasse sitting at Limasse’s desk going over one of Hottie’s files. Flirting abounds. Co-worker A walks by, sees Hottie has returned from several months off. Small talk ensues, including. “How’s Female Name?” and “Tell her I said hi.”
Co-worker A walks away. Limasse asks, “Who is Female Name?”
Hottie says, “My wife,” and resumes previous innuendoed conversation.  At this time, I was admittedly too stunned to process everything, and did continue along this flirty conversation, albeit began dodging any attempts to make plans to hang out.
And here’s the part that made me feel shitty: It took me a day to really turn the attraction all the way off. I felt shitty because of #1 on my list above. Even while my brain was going, ‘This son-of-a-bitch is married? What a dickbag.’ My ladyparts were thinking, ‘Well maybe it’s an open marriage?’
But then he upped the douche factor, which helped: the next day I was talking about a friend of mine who sometimes forgets he has a girlfriend – not in a sneaky cheating way, but in a, ‘he’s been single for so long that it slips his mind that he has an automatic +1’ way. “Hey, I have tickets to (event), you free?” “What about Jen?” “Oh yeah, duh!” When I was talking about that, Douche Larouche says, ‘for me, it’s not so much I forget, just that I choose to ignore it.’  Then why are you married?!?!?!?!

So in order for me to abruptly shift my focus from Worky McDickface, I set up a date on OkCupid. It was one of the ‘back-burner’ type guys, someone I found interesting but wasn’t chomping at the bit to meet… Figured it could go one of two ways: I meet him and decide he’s awesome and there you go, or it could totally suck but I’d be able to bask in that by bitching about it, which would keep my mind off work guy.

Friday:
On this date with Matt, things were going okay. He wasn’t the great love of my life, but I could see a second date. At one point, I notice that the skin on his ring finger is smooth and shiny, kind of the way my middle finger is for a short period of time immediately after removing the ring I wear that is just slightly too snug. I thought it was just paranoia. Telling myself there is no effing way this is happening, that’s it just too damn weird that I would be out with a married guy while trying to avoid a married guy, I try to bring it up in subtle ways. He gave me a perfect set-up too, asking what kind of luck I’ve had with online dating, if I get freaks and weirdos. I casually mention that I’ve never had any real horror stories, that the worst is meeting guys that are actually married and just looking for a fling. There was no giveaway response, just a ‘wow, that sucks.’ I followed it with ‘It’s funny, you know, because I bet there are women out there who wouldn’t even care, or maybe it’s an open marriage… men should just be honest about it.’ He said nothing, just continued eating.  At this point I looked him square in the eye and said nothing, just raised an eyebrow. Still nothing. Finally I just asked, are you marrried, and the answer was yes. Does your wife know that you’re here. No. Thank you for dinner, I have to go. At least he had the decency to not try to talk me into staying, Just sat there in silence. I passed our server on the way out, gave her the cost of my dinner as a tip, explained that I was on a dud of a date, and told her not to let him know that I already paid for mine, that it was all hers, and left.

Saturday:
This is where we get to the icing on the motherfucking cake.
You may remember my work manstress, “Ben.” Since I last mentioned him here in 2011, things escalated, big time. In these past two years, he took a different job within the company that involved travel, often times near me but never close enough for us to really meet up,  I parted ways with the company, and our long-distance flirtship turned into something else. The easiest way to sum it up is that we had a sexting relationship Dirty convos, nude pics. Once night while I was still at work and he was at home, I texted him through his self-love session. I maintained a blog where I would write pretty awesome erotica fantasy short stories about us, some were situation-specific, like two people meeting for the first time, some had us working in the same office together, and some had no ‘plot’ to speak of, just two people banging.
Finally, this past October, he was travelling to my city. He springs it on me but he doesn’t give me any details. It was “guess who’ll be in (city name) this week?” He then didn’t reply to any emails or texts or calls for the next 2 days. Then the morning of, short text, just ‘I’m in (city name).’  I asked for info again, still nothing. Okay, in fairness, when he first told me he was coming here, I balked. I asked everyone that knew the details about us if I should meet up with him. I was concerned that it would kill the fantasy. The reason we had what we had, and the reason it was fun, was that it could never happen for real. What if hanging out in person ended up being boring? What if we did hook up and it sucked? So when he didn’t tell me where he was staying or how long he’d be here, basically, when he began ignoring me, I just figured he was thinking the same thing. I didn’t press the issue, and I didn’t contact him any more, figuring I’d let him reestablish things when he was ready.

Fast forward to last weekend, after the dud date with the married guy, and I head over to my friend’s to play Call of Duty, because now I need to shoot at people. (Played pretty well, am now Prestige 2 Level 20. Also, casually announcing that I play CoD is one of my best pick-up lines.) Around 2am I get an email. It’s from Ben. It says, “You ignoring me now?”
I say, “never”
He says, “I miss you, how have you been?”
Me: “I’ve been alright.  I’m working at (Bank name) now, in mortgage processing. Nice to be on the originating end.
Still single, except it’s more by choice right now, after this week I might stay like this forever.”
Him: “Single…that is good to hear.”
Me: “Haha, why’s that? How about you, what’s new on your end?”
Him:  “Oh no reason. 😉  It has been awhile since we talked I guess?”
Me: “Um, yeah, since the fall.”
Him: “Hey I should have been up front with you that I’m married and have a daughter. I shouldnt have been corresponding with you the way I had and I really shouldnt anymore. I would be devastated if my wife did this to me.”
Me: “Wow.  I’m not even sure what to say to that.”
No response.

And at the time, I wasn’t. My mind was reeling so fast that I honestly couldn’t believe it was real. There was no way. NO fucking way this was happening. Later, I did think of someting to say:
“Why bother contacting me today to ask how I am and tell me you missed me, to drop that bomb? Why not just continue our silence after all these months? I had resigned myself to the fact that the fun was over when you told me you were in town but then never said anything again. I could have been fine with that.”

He has still not responded. So I guess it’s good that he’s sticking to his guns of never “corresponding” with me anymore, but are you serious? If you feel bad that you were basically cheating on your wife with me, okay, well, that shit ended 6 months ago and we haven’t spoken since. Why bring it up now? Especially, why reach out to me to specifically tell me that you miss me, only to tell me that I was the goddamn other woman the whole time. And, for it to be this week when I’m already processing everything else. He’s going to take some time to get over. The other two make me angry. But this one hurts. It really does. I feel like I’ve been cheated on, and I know that’s not far, but that’s how it feels.
So, lesson learned:
You know how when it comes to birth control they say never leave it up to the guy, ro always be prepared? Well, apparently that applies to determining a relationship status. The very second I feel as though there’s one iota of flirting going on between me and a guy, I must expressly ask him if he’s married.  I can no longer trust him to be decent and do the right thing

All these being said though, I do hate to make this about just me: my deepest sympathies and in Ben’s case, apologies, go out to the women who have the misfortune to be married to these guys.  Work Dickbag was so smooth and cavalier and nonchalant, I have to wonder if this has happened before and how often. Same with the okCupid guy. And Ben… I can’t even let myself analyze it. I have no desire to have this role, but I have to think that I was the only one, otherwise it cheapens what we had even more, and he was just too good of a guy, I don’t want his wife to be married to anyone less.

Update:  Monday morning, Ben emailed me: “Hi there… how are you?”   All I said was, “Really?”

Work Manstress Revisited

In a follow up to the work spouse article, I’ve been compelled to further address my work manstress. The average work manstress/mistress is usually just a second work spouse not quite as cool as the first spouse. For instance, my work husband (with whom I clarified yesterday – we’re actually on our five year workiversary, not six) has a work mistress, but she’s in a different department and can supplement the information he already has, which he will then share with me anyway. In my situation, however, my work manstress is a little more than that. I may or may not actually be interested in him. Am I crossing a line with that?

“Ben” and I definitely have conversations that lie far outside the realm of any other work spouse or mistress. Yes, we discuss work stuff, and provide each other plenty of assistance on accounts, but moreover, we flirt and we delve into personal issues. We’ve got this weird but awesome connection that I’m not really sure I’ve ever had with anyone in this particular capacity.

But… if Ben and I ever occupied the same space at the same time, I would totally hit that. Repeatedly. And then a few more times.

So the question is… is continuing to talk to him cheating? I’ve asked a number of people, and the conclusion still eludes me. There is a general consensus that it’s “wrong”, and that subconsciously I know it. The reason? Ben knows about Mark, but Mark doesn’t know about Ben. Well, he knows that he exists, just doesn’t know the extent of our relationship. So, if by not being honest with Mark about Ben, “then you know you’re doing something that you shouldn’t be doing.” Convoluting that: I didn’t tell Ben about Mark until just this week. Which means, that somehow I feel like I’m cheating on both of them with the other.  Does this get to a point where it makes sense?

I think it’s more a matter of intent. Like I said, if we were given the chance, if he wasn’t a $250, two-hour plane ride or eleven-hour drive which would also cost about $250 in gas (yes, I just looked it up), this, and I, would be going down. But it’s not like I’m booking a flight or plotting the road trip. So there’s no intentional action happening here. It’s almost like with a celebrity. I think I’ve made it abundantly clear what I would do to/with Kellan Lutz if he ever fell into my man trap, but let’s face it, the likelihood of that day ever occurring is relatively slim (two Twilight conventions and his appearance was cancelled at both… Pretty sure fate is telling me something with that. Also: Don’t judge me). Realistically, sure, there is a far greater chance of me and Ben doing the hibbity-dibbity than me and Kellan, but the point is that we haven’t, and haven’t made any kind of plans to do so.

Granted, should I finally get my shit together enough to make a pilgrimage to visit several friends who currently live in a beach city, I would be flying an airline that has a main hub in his city… and I could potentially choose a flight with an overnight layover… And then find someone to lay over…

But again, it all comes back to intent. I can talk about making plans all day, but it we really wanted this to happen, it would have already happened.

So, as long as I don’t buy a plane ticket, train ticket, print out maps, or start programming my GPS, in my not-at-all-humble opinion, I’m not doing anything wrong. My day flies by during the hours that “Ben” and I are both at work. Those several hours after he goes home for the day are just boring (it doesn’t help that my work husband leaves an hour before that) and I long for his company. However, when I leave, when I’m going to focus on a man, it’s Mark (except for a few rare occasions when I needed some entertaining thoughts  *wink*).  We have great chemistry, seriously electric sparks, and I’m not willing to give that up. Maybe that makes me selfish, who knows, but until the day comes where I’m planning to find myself in his city (or he’s planning to find himself in mine), then it’s not something I’m going to worry about.