The New Ambrosia

Okay guys, we have found a new home. I am so so so so so sorry for all of the movement, all of the changes, all of the double posts in the twitter feed, all of that. But now, this is the official new home of the now-defunct Crazy Ass World.

I spent about one third of the day accessing old caches and recovering all of the articles, updating all the media; Day Glo Psycho will be back on board with us soon; I’ve reached out to some new contributors, and we’re going to start powering forward again. I do not know if CAW will be joining us.

I know that we’ve lost a bunch of followers, the ones who had subscribed via email to the Crazy Ass World blog, so hopefully they’ll find us again. In the meantime, we welcome anyone else who wants to follow along!

Automatically End Any Argument

Potential subtitles:
– And be arrested
– And start a new one

So again, as much as I do enjoy a good fight, due to my ability to verbally skewer most people (I’m not bragging. My hockey fight is pretty well known, even amongst local radio show hosts), I generally avoid confrontation. Basically, if you engage me in an argument, you best come prepared, because I will own you, but you’ll never hear of me starting one (See also: experiencing panic to the point of trembling hands and puking in the bathroom at work before going to have a break-up talk).

However, I would love nothing more than to be in a dramatic fight in front of an audience (hockey and football games don’t count, because I’m only as entertaining as the next big play, and I can be forgotten in a matter of moments) and be able to just end it on some snappy comeback and some physical threat, and then just walk away, leaving everyone stunned and amazed. This would have to be at some sort of party or otherwise similar social event. Here are some of the argument-enders I hope to accomplish in my lifetime, and why I probably won’t.

Shout “How dare you!” and slap the offender across the face
Why it would be awesome: Come on! This just begs everyone around me to go “Ohhhh snap son!” Especially if this was a quiet argument that no one around us could hear or have any clue what’s going on until this moment and this outburst. Or even better: I want to crash a party, find some random stranger, walk up to him like I mean business, and just slap him. Hey, it might even get him laid, if some chick witnesses it and rushes to his aid.
Why it could backfire: Dude could hit me back. Or he has friends who will. Or, if he’s a total pussy, I’m facing assault charges a week later.

Throw in drink in their face and say “You need to cool off.”
Why it would be awesome: What isn’t awesome about this? Hot summer night, cold drink in the face, “Just chill out.” This has all the markings of classic cinema with the sarcastic wit necessary to bring it home.
Why it could backfire: I could, again, get my ass beat. Also, let this be another female, and heaven forbid I ruin her dress, her hair, or her make-up. She might kill me.

Throw a glass into the fireplace and storm off silently
Why it would be awesome: Again, all the glamour of a classic movie. The key here is to not utter a single word. Just smash and gone. Enhanced dramatic effect requires that the glass be filled with an alcohol-based beverage, the stronger the better. I’m gonna start walking around parties with a glass of scotch, or maybe Everclear, just waiting for this opportunity.
Why it could backfire: Have you ever seen that episode of “That 70’s Show”? I’m in jail for sure if that goes down, labeled as an arsonist.

Clear the table with one arm and calmly state “I’ll only warn you once.”
Why it would be awesome: Because fuck yeah! How amazingly badass would I be if I pulled this shit off? This is another one that I’d like to just accomplish as a party crasher. Just march up in there, stare someone down, sweep the table, and leave.
Why it could backfire: Property damage. I could get sued for that, easily. I also run the risk of only knocking stuff over but not off, and just looking stupid. Then, there’s the added physical risk of cutting myself, or worse, cutting someone else, and then there are those assault charges again.

What it all boils down to is that these may be far better in theory than in execution. Which is a crying shame. Maybe one day I’ll try one or two out and report back with the results.

Weekend Adventures: Look Cool Eating Alone

With the weekend coming up, some of us may have big plans, while others are just laying low, enjoying some much needed and much looked forward to time alone. Usually we savor this time holed up in the house. But why should we be trapped inside just because we’re lone rangers? Have you ever noticed that when you see a man alone at a diner or restaurant, you assume him to be some kind of pervert or weirdo, but when you see a woman, you feel sorry for her?

Well not anymore! Ladies, we’re taking solo dining back. Here are a few tried and true options to make any casual observer respect or fear you, rather than throw pitying glances your way.

Read Something:
I’m not talking about the newspaper, or even a Times Best Seller (because that, for some reason, makes people want to talk to you so you’re stuck on the same page for like twenty minutes due to constant interruption, and just leave me the fuck alone I usually finish a book in two days and this one has taken me all week because every time I open it everyone just wants to approach me and talk about it and ask me how it is because they’ve been meaning to read it well sir I don’t know how it is because you and everyone around you won’t back the hell off and just let me read it!). You gotta get creative here. A tip sheet from the local betting place. Playgirl. Your car’s owner manual. Bomb Dismantling for Dummies. Furrow your brow, like you’re really trying to learn something.

Take Notes:
Even if you’re just scribbling is a diary or making a shopping list, do it with panache. Glance around the joint, eyeball the staff, then surreptitiously write something down. Pretend to be a restaurant critic. Savor each bite of food, then make a quick note. Examine your reflection in the blade of a knife, then make a quick note. Count the ice cubes in your drink, then make a note. Whatever you do, write something afterwards. Conceal your notes anytime a member of the staff approaches. If anything, you may receive enhanced service or a discounted meal.

Dark Glasses:
These alone suggest you are either hungover or really famous, the latter of which can really be driven home with the addition of a hat pulled low over your eyes. Or, slightly more fun, pretend you’re with the Secret Service. Survey the room suspiciously upon entering, put your hand up to your ear, nod, then speak into your wrist. Refuse to be seated anywhere that places your back to any area of the room. Ask your server about the location of emergency exits.

Of course, these require a certain amount of cajones, or je ne sais quoi, to really pull off. Worst case scenario, instead of looking like the pathetic chick who has to go out alone, you’re deemed every bit the creeper as the dude sitting in the corner (but take a closer look, he’s mimicking your every move, trying to look as cool). Either way, that’s still a win for women’s equality!

Business Lingo Debunked

In honor of hump day (and the fact that I checked my timesheet today and found that Friday is one of the random days I scheduled myself off months ago, so that means I get two long weekends in a row!) I’ve decided to provide you a handy cheat sheet to deducing the real meaning behind some phrases you might hear regularly around the office.

 

“I’d like to build on that point…”
There are actually two translations of this, and it depends who is saying it to whom. One interpretation, when spoken to some higher on the food chain, is: “You’re full of shit, but you’re my boss.” The second meaning, when said to someoneon an even keel with you, is: “Your ideas are stupid, so let’s use mine instead.” Think about the last time these words crossed your lips. Did you actually expand on the current point, or introduce something new

“Thanks, I’ll take that into consideration.”
This is often a follow-up to the previous statement. It means, “Your opinion doesn’t matter, and I wasn’t even listening.”

“CC me on that.”
This one is very simple: “I don’t trust your ass for a second.”

“We need everyone to do their due diligence!”
And egocentric cry of desperation. “I have an MBA! I’m smarter than you! And my penis is bigger too!“

“We’re launching a new program/system/initiative/department.”
Plain and simple: “Your life is going to be a nightmare for the next six months while we figure out what your job is even going to be.” This is one I am very familiar with, as we are currently in the midst of this. My job description has changed on a monthly basis. It changes without us even knowing about it. Our department was just created a year ago, and in the next month, with be dissolved completely into two new departments.

“We have a change in strategy.”
This is a loose translation, but basically, this phrase means: “We have no idea what we’re doing.” It is the most oft-uttered statement approximately four-to-five months down the road from the one above, starting to manifest around the time the natives start to get restless, and question the success of the new program/system/initiative/department.

 

Now you’re in the know my friends, and can easily navigate through a shitty meeting. No longer at risk of being eaten alive by the corporate machine, you can giggle your way through the exchange when all the stuffed shirts talk a big game. Enjoy!