– And be arrested
– And start a new one
So again, as much as I do enjoy a good fight, due to my ability to verbally skewer most people (I’m not bragging. My hockey fight is pretty well known, even amongst local radio show hosts), I generally avoid confrontation. Basically, if you engage me in an argument, you best come prepared, because I will own you, but you’ll never hear of me starting one (See also: experiencing panic to the point of trembling hands and puking in the bathroom at work before going to have a break-up talk).
However, I would love nothing more than to be in a dramatic fight in front of an audience (hockey and football games don’t count, because I’m only as entertaining as the next big play, and I can be forgotten in a matter of moments) and be able to just end it on some snappy comeback and some physical threat, and then just walk away, leaving everyone stunned and amazed. This would have to be at some sort of party or otherwise similar social event. Here are some of the argument-enders I hope to accomplish in my lifetime, and why I probably won’t.
Shout “How dare you!” and slap the offender across the face
Why it would be awesome: Come on! This just begs everyone around me to go “Ohhhh snap son!” Especially if this was a quiet argument that no one around us could hear or have any clue what’s going on until this moment and this outburst. Or even better: I want to crash a party, find some random stranger, walk up to him like I mean business, and just slap him. Hey, it might even get him laid, if some chick witnesses it and rushes to his aid.
Why it could backfire: Dude could hit me back. Or he has friends who will. Or, if he’s a total pussy, I’m facing assault charges a week later.
Throw in drink in their face and say “You need to cool off.”
Why it would be awesome: What isn’t awesome about this? Hot summer night, cold drink in the face, “Just chill out.” This has all the markings of classic cinema with the sarcastic wit necessary to bring it home.
Why it could backfire: I could, again, get my ass beat. Also, let this be another female, and heaven forbid I ruin her dress, her hair, or her make-up. She might kill me.
Throw a glass into the fireplace and storm off silently
Why it would be awesome: Again, all the glamour of a classic movie. The key here is to not utter a single word. Just smash and gone. Enhanced dramatic effect requires that the glass be filled with an alcohol-based beverage, the stronger the better. I’m gonna start walking around parties with a glass of scotch, or maybe Everclear, just waiting for this opportunity.
Why it could backfire: Have you ever seen that episode of “That 70’s Show”? I’m in jail for sure if that goes down, labeled as an arsonist.
Clear the table with one arm and calmly state “I’ll only warn you once.”
Why it would be awesome: Because fuck yeah! How amazingly badass would I be if I pulled this shit off? This is another one that I’d like to just accomplish as a party crasher. Just march up in there, stare someone down, sweep the table, and leave.
Why it could backfire: Property damage. I could get sued for that, easily. I also run the risk of only knocking stuff over but not off, and just looking stupid. Then, there’s the added physical risk of cutting myself, or worse, cutting someone else, and then there are those assault charges again.
What it all boils down to is that these may be far better in theory than in execution. Which is a crying shame. Maybe one day I’ll try one or two out and report back with the results.