Adventures in Online Dating: The Rant


I’ve spent what amounts to all of my adult life being single. I have guys that I ‘hang out with,’ and in the last decade, only one that I referred to as my boyfriend (you may remember reading about him last summer). I’m accused of being too picky, and if I would just “be open to different types of guys,” then I would meet someone. First off, let’s get one thing straight. I don’t even have a type. Oh, I have preferences (made blatantly obvious by my celeb crushes), sure, who doesn’t, but that doesn’t mean I refuse to date someone who doesn’t fit that preference. In fact, if you look at any of the guys I’ve “dated” or gotten into anything resembling a relationship with, only one of them actually matches any of those preferences.  It’s no secret that I like dark hair and dark eyes with a healthy pallor, yet I spent two years dicking around with a pale, blue-eyed, clear-eyelashed ginger. Come on now. As far as being picky, the fact is, that I know what I like, and while I may not know exactly what I want, I have a pretty clear picture of what I do, and if a guy doesn’t make the cut, then he doesn’t make the damn cut. Period. I’m sorry, but I am not going to settle. Why would I pick “eh, he’ll do” when I deserve “that one?”  Think of how many people audition for movies, and how many callbacks are given to the top contenders before they decide who gets the role. Just for a movie. A movie! Worst case scenario if it isn’t the right person for the role; the movie sells like shit. Big whoop. try. As the producer and director of my own life, if I pick the wrong guy to play the leading man, it ends with heartbreak and divorce (I hope none of you thought I’m the woman who would just stay in a unhappy marriage).

I will admit that anyone with musical talent tends to get a longer look than somone without (if the man picks up a guitar, I’m pretty much putty in his hands, unless he’s all emo or some John Mayer type) but some dealbreakers exist. For instance, I’m not sure how well I’d get along with someone who isn’t into sports, at least football. Many reasons exist for this, one being simply that it’s the one gender stereotpye I succumb to. I want my man to like sports. Two, I have season tickets for our football team. I’m not going to be a season ticket holder while you sit home and knit. Again, gender stereotype, sure, but I’m not a girly-girl and therefore I need a man that’s manlier than I am. If he’s into other sports, that’s even better. We can play and watch soccer together, and if he’s busy with other sports, great, because that gives me my time to do whatever else I want.

So… having exhausted my general dating pool, I took to OkCupid. Why OkC? Well, I am far too cheap to actually pay for any of the other sites like Match or eHarmony. Not to mention, I think eHarmony is full of shit. I did partake in one of their free weekends, and there’s a major flaw in their “matching profile.” First, they mostly match you with someone who is exactly like you. I mean a male copy of you (or whatever you’re searching for). Here’s the thing. I know there are tons of you out there with a best friend who is damn near your clone, and you probably tell each other constantly, “If I could just find the male/female you, then I could date them.” It doesn’t work. My bestie is the male me, and I’m pretty sure I would kill him if we ever dated. Not only does this matching set up this horrible clone thing, but it also goes the extra step to match your interests down to the last detail. Hello, boring relationship, party of two. I am of the not-at-all-humble opinion that there need to be at least a few differing interests, if only to give you something to talk about, or to give you something of your own. I can’t imagine life with a significant other being into every last thing that I’m into. I follow a lot of local bands, and while I’m certainly not adverse to bringing a significant other to see them play (or even insignificant other), but that doesn’t mean I want him there every time I go. That’s my time. That’s my friend time.

I’m rambling. So I set up shop at OkCupid, because it’s free. As the old adage goes, however, You get what you pay for.

My profile very clearly states a specific age range that I would like communication from. However, this seems to make me a magnet to boys who just took their first legal drink and men who are experiencing mid-life crises. *sigh* All it does is show me that they didn’t even bother to read my profile. Similar to people who ask me basic questions that I very clearly answer in my profile. Part of the reason the profile is so full of information is because I’m incapable of condensing, and the other part is to give any potential suitors enough fodder to strike up an engaging conversation with me. This is the reason I hate coming across guys’ profiles that have no information. When their entire profile consists of three ab shots and the basic form answers, sorry, they’re not doing anything to draw me in. The whole point of the online dating site is to cut through the general questions that you’d otherwise have to wade through if you just walk up to someone in a bar, or supermarket, or anywhere else. If I still have to take the time to ask you a million questions to get even the slightest idea of who you are, then you’re completely defeating the purpose.

Side note: I have decided on a new business venture. Bathroom mirror ab shots. All the guys have them, especially the ones who plaster them up on their online dating profiles, but most of them are of shitty quality. So… Why not take the shots myself, even allowing them to hold a prop camera or phone, add some lens flare later in photoshop, touch up any flaws, give them that airbrushed look… all for an affordable price? And fair’s fair, I’ll include underwear and duckface shots for the ladies.

The winner of the ab shot today is this guy (obviously, he’s on the site for short-term dating, casual sex):

I’m currently staring at a bunch of photos on another guy’s page that are all mirror shots. Three of them are obvious bathroom ones, including one in a wife-beater and one with no shirt – made even better with his hand behind his head, elbow up, like he thinks hes a pin-up girl – but strangely it looks like a different bathroom in each shot, and then one that I think is actually a public bathroom. The others actually look like they’re reflected off a picture. Why makes these particularly problematic is the fact that they are all taken at a rough 15° angle, and that in all four of them, we never get to see his face. I mean, we do see it, but we don’t see it. What we do see, is his sideways face turned partially to the side, focusing on the cell phone screen as he takes his self-portrait.

But at least I can see more of his face than this one (the fact that the first pic was from instragram was also a huge no-no):

Now, on one hand, I can understand that some people may find a certain level of shame being on a dating site, so maybe they don’t want to go ask a friend to take a picture of them for it. Okay, fair enough. But if you live your life in such a way that there are no current photos of you in existence anywhere, then you’re probably not someone that anyone should be dating.

Even worse than this are a bunch of group photos. Yes, the main photo makes you highlight your face and then zooms in on it, but now it’s grainy, and three of your friends all look like you. Which one are you? Can you caption this photo? Then there are what I call the ‘interest shots.’ This one guy’s profile looked really great. I liked a lot of the things he was into, and of the things I wasn’t into, none of them were dealbreakers, so I said, okay, let’s see what he looks like. Main photo wasn’t hard on the eyes, so I decided to look at the rest. There he is in a skiing outfit, all I can see are his eyes. There he is in the distance on a jet-ski. There he is in full hiking gear, a considerable distance from whoever took the picture. And then the obligatory team volleyball pic. Sir, you’ve already told me that you’re into all these things, you do not need to show me as well. I’m looking at your pictures to get an idea of what you look like. We can all talk about how looks don’t matter, which is true to an extent, but they are subjective. If I don’t find you the least bit attractive, there’s going to be a lot of spark missing. You’re better off with someone who does find you attractive.

Then there are the child photos. It’s one thing if it’s a picture of your own kid(s). It’s similar if it’s your niece or nephew, or even your kid sister, the change of life baby. But it’s another thing altogether when it’s your neighbor or friend’s kid. It’s wonderful that you’re all close, that your friends’ kids call you Uncle Whatever – it really is – but when you’re showing a picture of yourself with any children that you are not directly related to, it tells me one thing. Well, possibly two. It tells me that you do not have boundaries. That you think it’s okay to post photos of other people’s children online. If I had a child, I would balk even harder at your profile, because I would think to myself, what if I dated this man, and we broke up? Would this picture be replaced with one of him and my kid? Not cool.

I also have yet to understand the people that are on here solely for hook-ups. I don’t have any data on it, but I’m sure that 98% of women who go to dating sites are looking for the exact opposite. Are you really that pathetic, that much of a walking turn-off that you can’t pick women up in any normal location for a random hook-up to occur? That’s sad. You should probably stick to LiveLinks, or any of the other ‘dating’ services that are advertised in the middle of the night, with the commercials full of women who will never need to resort to the actual service to find a hook up or a date, and whom none of the guys who will actually succumb to using the service will ever meet.

Okay, I’m exhausted of this subject for the night.
Next time, my first ever foray into meeting someone from this site.

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About Melissa Limasse

| Real name - Yeah right | Location – The State of Being | Worth - $2,425,486 | Education – B.A. Sociology and Psychology, A.As. in Criminal Justice | Single, childless, and completely satisfied with both, Ms. Limasse doesn’t fit into the traditional “female” mold. Most people would say she’s intimidating. Anything that she says here she has most likely already said out loud View all posts by Melissa Limasse

4 responses to “Adventures in Online Dating: The Rant

  • Straightforward Sally

    Oh the joys of online dating. I definitely can relate… especially about being “too picky”. I don’t settle either. If I am not feeling a little bit of spark, chemistry, or even a tad bit of excitement about seeing a guy… then he does not make the cut. Heck, I want to feel that again. I want to feel that butterfly in my stomach kind of feeling for a man again. Isn’t that the glue that keeps the relationship together. Because we all know that feeling eventually goes away but if you can remember it when you are going through the rough patch as a couple… that is the glue… the oh yeah… I remember why I love you glue. Stay picky! 😉

    P.S. Love the winner of the ab shots. Hilarious! I wonder if he actually got any messages. I am guessing he would probably be a good first client in your new business venture of Bathroom Mirror Ab Shots.

  • Melissa Limasse

    Thats exactly it! I’m tired of people giving me shit when I don’t like a guy. It’s the same thing, “Well what’s wrong with him?” Did I say anything was wrong with him? No. But I feel no unexplainable desire to see him. A good-on-paper guy isn’t going to cut it. How boring of an existence would that be? Things aren’t like they were hundreds of years ago, where marraiges occurred based on social or financial leverage.

    And he would ABSolutely be my first client. In fact, I think I just thought of the company name there. ABSolutely! Hahaha. In fact, I think I’ll offer him a 10% First Client Discount. Since I’m sure he’ll book numberous photo sessions, I’ll more than recoup the discount.

  • wildchristy

    Great post! You sound like a strong woman who doesn’t settle. I like that!

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